Wednesday, August 28, 2013


Those words, "Hugs to you Mama" came across to me on facebook this morning from the precious wife of a warrior who has adopted me and visa versa, as mother and daughter.  

As I am facing a struggle with the health of my service dog and the warrior's guardian angel, Kelsie, I needed these words more than she will ever know.  I took my precious angel to the Specialty Veterinary Hospital this morning for an ultrasound of her kidneys.


I sat waiting for about an hour and a half, watching dogs in serious condition come and go and one golden retriever passed by me on a stretcher.  It set me back to my beautiful golden girl, Penny, when she was so terribly ill. "Hugs to you Mama" came back to me. 
Another facebook comment told me I would be okay, I had to be, because "you are the glue for the warriors ~ for all of us." The list goes on with dozens and dozens of well wishes and concerned friends, telling me it is okay to be afraid.  I don't like glue. I have been told that I need to recognize that and that in so doing then these people who tell me these things will have empowered me to do greater things.  It just never occurred to me ~ until Hugs to you Mama. As I waited, I realized I feel that I do what I do because it is the right thing.  I literally have no choice.
I had posted from the waiting room that I was worried about Kelsie and when the tech came out to get my girl, she kept pulling away from this stranger because she knew I needed her. She would literally stop, look back at me, and not move. She didn't understand why someone was taking her away from me. Little did she know my heart was with her too. I got up and walked with her to the door to the back, and it was as if she knew, if I lead her there, it was okay.  As I sat down, I realized she was right I needed her deeply.  I needed to know she was alright.  I needed to know this deep inside. We are one.

This week and last has been an emotional roller coaster with warriors struggling with horrific issues and more.  My cup has runneth over. I stood strong for my warriors and their issues. Now this fear.  Fear is an enemy for anyone with PTSD.
Waiting, I had the strangest feeling that I needed to be cradled and sung a lullaby.  (My therapist will have a ball with that one.) But then don't we all need this at one time or another when fear creeps into our lives and the rails are moved, and we aren't sure what is next. We may not speak these words, but somewhere deep inside we feel that yearning, that need, that reassurance that someone is there and cares and understands ~ no matter what. Someone to hold you close, someone who accepts and validates you heart and soul and asks nothing in return.
I yearn for the cleansing breeze of the ocean or the gentle wind in the mountains.  I yearn for it like my next breath.  I need to breath out fear. Just for a little while I need to retreat from the clamor, noise, arguments, and chaos of the life I live.
I have learned to accept suffering, suffering of my warriors, their wives and families. I have read that "it can stretch your heart to make room for greater love and joy."  I felt that to my core this morning when I read, HUGS TO YOU MAMA from someone who loves me and whom I love. We have never met.  But I feel her heart and I feel her pain.  And this morning she felt mine.

1 comment:

  1. I am inspired by the passion you have for the work that you do. I know it brings you great joy.
    I hope Kelsie is doing fine now.
    You are not alone in your feelings, we all need to be held sometimes. Be strong and know you have more support than you think.