Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Ever have one of those days when you just couldn't figure out what it is all about?
One of those days when you wanted to stick your head in the sand and be done with everyone and everything ~  a day when absolutely nothing makes sense and words were babble and attempts at remedial efforts seemed futile. I try to tell myself that these are day to day obstacles that apply to everyone, but when you are smack dab in the middle of people and words that make your head spin you can't be comforted by platitudes.
Then, suddenly out of no where, come little graces that land in your heart and forever will bless you and brighten you and enlighten you.  Little graces in the form of words that instantly make you gasp and sit up straight and read and re-read them time and time again to see if they were real or imaginary.
These words that come so abruptly and unexpectedly, bursting with honesty and truth and vulnerability, have the ability to clear your head, driving away the ever present sludge and opening a window to who you are and where you are to go next. 
These words did not come in an envelope or package or by phone.  They came from a friend I have never met.  A friend I know and hold in my heart as if I have known her forever. She tells me I have awakened something in her, but truth be told, she is the one who awakened something in me.   As she messaged me, I felt her pain.  I felt it because it was my own as well. Escaping from the paralysis of PTSD is not to be done alone.  One must have a friend, a friend who understands, tolerates, loves, gently nudges, listens, and holds you tight when you feel you might fly off this planet.
This friend must come and perch softly on your shoulder or under your wing until you wake up and notice them.  And it is then and only then that you feel safe.  It is then that you realize that this is a gift that has been sent to you and perhaps has been there patiently waiting for you for a long, long time. I feel that at times like this, and there are all too few of them, when you are not expecting it,  that it appears just like an awakening. A slip of light floats in and with it there is a glimmer of hope.
You suddenly find the warmth of the thought of a friend who will never let you down, when you just begin to feel you might learn to trust again. You also might be astonished that you too have been given a lifeline and know the answer to a question you have been struggling with for a very, very long time ~ where you are to go next. 
So this morning I say to my friend that we both need to learn to trust someone, so that we can trust ourselves. 
Theodore Roetke wrote, "in a dark time, the eye begins to see."  For it is only in darkness that the light will become visible.  For my friend I believe she has taken a gigantic step forward, because now I  feel that she is beginning to accept and bless the light that is on. 
I believe that the resistance to the horrors that so many of us have endured is human.  We try to avoid the truth that nightmares and flashbacks bring us.  We try to avoid the darkness of it all. Feeling helpless is traumatic and our ignorance furthers our helplessness so we retreat from it...frozen in fear, until one day, some one believes in us and a slip of light and angels appear in the shadows. And it is then that you find you are not alone and someone does understand and someone does care and someone won't let you fly off of this planet. And with a friend beside you and lots of luck and love you might find yourself awakening to starlight and sweet dreams once again.

1 comment:

  1. The horse and I agree on the kind of day I had. The horse has it right.