THE VALUE OF DOING NOTHING

"Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear and not bothering." ~ Winnie the Pooh

So often we find our lives in turmoil and chaos.  We get overwhelmed, wondering if we can do all we have to do and accomplish the huge amounts of lists of stuff that are mandatory and urgent.  After all we are important.  We are busy.  We have to impress.  We have to get ahead.  We have to be better than any one else.  We have to be the best.  Or do we?

Do we really have to exhaust ourselves every day getting ahead, impressing, finishing one list and starting another for the next day? Seems life is made of ever so many lists all glued together.  No sooner do we complete one than we add something to another list.  I must admit I am as guilty of this as anyone.  But today I don't want lists.  I don't want to follow the routine and accomplish everything, or really anything on my list.  I want to shove all of them into my paper shredder, just feet from my desk.

It is cold and gloomy and bleak outside.  I want to stay in the moment.  Listen to Herb Ernst and Bringers of the Dawn and realize that this moment contains my happiness. Living this one moment, and being fully present for it.  For the next person, the next experience, and next emotion, and the next adventure will come soon enough.  Today I want a sanctuary in which to do absolutely nothing.

So many moments are packed with wonder that we miss, as we rush on to the next one.  For me this is why I become tense, anxious, upset, and fearful.  I don't want to be rushed or hurried and dislike people who require that of me.  I have paid my dues.  I have been there.  I had 30 years of performing like a puppet and that is enough. 

I want to discover those places inside of me where there is wonder and delight and those things that are the opposite of anxiety and chaos. I do not want my peace interrupted.  Those who tell me to hurry and do this and do that ... well I will tell them I will get to it when I have time.  I would like to tell them the truth, but I don't think they would understand if I told them sanctuary soothes and calms my soul.

As for today, when the sun is behind the clouds, perhaps healing is right around the corner. And perhaps just perhaps the shredder will consume my lists quite silently and I can go on 'not bothering,'

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG

He had pledged allegiance to the United States of America. And in so doing gave his left leg and is struggling to keep the other.  The left side of his face and body is covered in shrapnel

from injuries from an IED blast in a country far, far away. He has a Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress and seizures.  But the one thing he hasn't lost is his love of dogs and his ability to 'feel' deeply about another being on this earth. And he has learned to trust this being to understand his pain.

After receiving a call from his mother requesting a visit, I took my beautiful, intuitive  Kelsie to see him.  Usually upon walking in to visit with a warrior, I extend my hand, introduce myself and Kelsie, and wait to see the response and what is needed.  But this time was different.  This time, without words, this warrior lifted himself with his arms from his wheelchair to the sofa and simply said, "A dog." His eyes, glazed and vacant, never left sight of her with a pleading, a yearning I have never before seen.  I remained silent. 

I laid her soft red blanket on the sofa and gave her a whispered 'up' command.  The warrior bent over double with his head almost touching his bandaged amputation. His right leg extended straight in front of him in the fixator. 

It was then that everyone's breath was taken away.  As this valiant young warrior bent over double, Kelsie  snuggled up close and stretched up to lay her head in the center of his back.  The room went silent and my heart almost stopped. Mesmerized we all watched, as he kissed her feet, her legs, her toes and then buried his head into her fur and quietly wept.  Kelsie moved slightly and put her head down next to his, getting as close as possible, to tell a total stranger that she was there and and that she understood his pain and that she was not leaving him.  He buried his face into the top of her head and continued to inhale, exhale, and quietly dissolved into tears that had been bottled up for a very long time. Without shame his mom cried, as we all watched Kelsie quite simply take over and hug him the only way she knew how.  I could have sworn somewhere in the background I heard Brahm's Lullaby, or was it the National Anthem?

When I look back at my life and remember those moments that have taken my breath away, this will be at the top of the list.  God sometimes puts us in places and spaces where we feel we have lost everything and  feel we have no will to go on.  With all honesty, for me this was one of those days, until I was witness to something so precious and heartbreaking and beautiful and full of love that I too, like this warrior, will live to fight another day. 

Thank you God for this moment and for this young man and thousands just like him who have sacrificed so that we may, hopefully, never take life for granted or those we so deeply love for granted or take the abilities of a dog for granted.  A miracle happened this day and I was witness to it.  I will never be the same. 

Kelsie and I will return and return again until our presence is no longer necessary. It's the least we can do for the price he paid.

"If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a kind word of encouragement, or attempts to understand, extraordinary things begin to happen." ~ Loretta Firzartis

If Kelsie could utter words, perhaps she would say, "If  you are scared, just holler and you will find me."

Sometimes we all have songs in our heart and sometimes we forget how to sing them.  And then sometimes a special dog comes along and reminds us of the words. This is perhaps how we should all love a person. 

"Believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Believe that you may be that light for someone else."  ~ Kobi Yamada

"Never give up.  This may be your moment for a miracle." ~ Greg Anderson

God showed me this day that my pain, my tears, my grief, my losses should not make me lose sight of the reason I am here.  For on this day I was witness to a miracle. Yes, I am still in horrible pain, but I witnessed a miracle.   

"What courage it takes to believe in a dream." ~Carlor Menta

Perhaps not only courage but also loss.  Sometimes we lose so much we don't know if we can hang on another second.  And then someone comes along and snuggles close and tells you never to lose hope. Surround yourself with those who believe you can, and give you wings so that you, one day, just might fly again.

SUNFLOWER WISHES

I heard a psychologist say something to me this morning that hit me right in the face. "Sometimes we hurt others so we don't hurt."  I guess this surprised me primarily because when I hurt it makes me feel better to make others feel better, not the other way around. And boy have I hurt lately.  So much so that I have stumbled just trying to stay vertical.  Sometimes there is a pain that words can't describe.  You put on a happy face and then suddenly the tears come rushing to the surface and there is no stopping them.  Such was the case this morning.

In a very difficult and stressful meeting, my little blind Gracie came up and put her head on my leg.  Since she was eight weeks old, she has always sensed and felt my pain and somehow knows just the second when I need her the most.  She will climb onto my lap and lay her head on my shoulder and press her cheek next to mine and make the sweetest softest sound imaginable.  I respond with a verbal appreciation and gratitude of her very existence in my life.  But this morning at my dining room table, she simply laid her head on my leg. I bent over to pet her head, her ears, her muzzle when I found myself suddenly buried into her fur as the tears flowed. 

Letting go is okay...or so I am told and try to remind myself. For me I all too often hide my pain for sometimes there seems to be so much of it that if I were to let go I fear I might explode or implode.But then when Gracie offers her belly and cooing sounds without hesitation and stays close to me, it reminds me that there are those moments in life that something as vital and yet as simplistic as a little dog named Gracie that can save your life. 

Dean Koontz, in A Big Little Life: a Memoir of A Joyful Dog Named Trixie, says "When we have the deepest of affection for a dog, we do not possess that love but are possessed by it, and sometimes it takes us by surprise, overwhelms us.  When we take a dog into our lives, we ask for its trust, and the trust is freely given.  We promise, I will always love you and bring you through troubled times."  Seems to work both ways. But there are times when we are not in control and others who have dictated our happiness or sadness  leave us helpless.  When trust in humans we once trusted is lost, it is truly a humbling experience when we discover our dogs remain steadfast in their faith in us, leaving us 'shaken and humbled.'

So today after having lost sunshine in my life, I search for it in other places.  I choose not to hurt others so that I won't hurt.  Quite the opposite.  It has strengthened me, knowing that others out there need me to be there for them, because they too hurt and maybe they don't have a little dog named Gracie and a friend that calls them 'sister' and new friends that have taken them under their wings and nourished them, held them, fed them, and kept them from falling down and from falling apart. My friend's acts of kindness have reverberated across distance and time to others through their love and support of me.  

It is in helping me step out of pain and back into life so many, many times that little Gracie was sent to me, as well as my friends who know my heart and hold it gently in their hands. 

So today on a cold, gloomy day I wish for sunflowers and friends, whether canine or human, that are there for me and for you during betrayals and battering events that ultimately will come into your lives. I wish for our canine companions to know how much they are loved and appreciated and cherished.  For without them pain would often be unbearable and hearts would become cold and bitter. 

I'LL DO THE PRAYING...YOU DO THE LIVING

How many of us, all too often, are in desperate need of a kind word? An ear that listens?  A heart that understands? Or a soul mate that reaches out from across the miles and says, "I care, I understand."

He writes a few words that instantly tell you he 'gets' it, he has been there, or perhaps is there himself. "Just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there. Stay busy. If you're anything like me (which you are), it is much easier to deal with difficult things when your mind is not idle."

Then he tells you he has searched and searched for an entire afternoon for a quotation that would be meaningful and heartfelt and meant to help.

Courage doesn't always roar.

Sometimes Courage is the quiet voice

at the end of the day saying,

"I will try again tomorrow."

- Mary Anne Radmacher

The letter ends with, "So all we can do is try again tomorrow. I will do the praying... you do the living. Take Care. Talk to you soon."

Now this is a friend.  How precious his words are to me.  How my heart doesn't feel quite so alone.  Someone understands, someone far away is holding my hand and telling me it is all going to work out and be alright. How could I be more blessed?

Angels come into our lives in a myriad of disguises, shapes and sizes, and usually just when we need them the most to heal a broken heart, to hold us when we cry, and to provide solace in times of trial. All they ask of us is to be aware and open to their presence. And they ask us to believe. My angel is my beloved Penny in the photograph.  I know she is watching over me and guiding my every move.  Her legacy is more grandiose than ever expected. "I love you and miss you every second of every day!"

Perhaps you find yourself praying every once in a while for a different life than the one you have.  "If only life were different." Then something happens that opens your eyes and tells you that perhaps this is the life you were meant to have.  This one precious life...this wild ride that isn't always easy.

Abigail Thomas in A THREE DOG LIFE ~ A MEMOIR says it beautifully, "There's nothing I want to relive ~ certainly not youth ~ and as for what's to come, I'm in no hurry.  I watch my dogs.  They throw themselves into everything they do, even their sleeping is wholehearted.  They aren't waiting for a better tomorrow, or looking back at their glory days.  Following their example, I'm trying to stick to the present." 

Good things happen slowly.  And for me, my dogs are my little angels without wings. So for today here is my agenda:

Be less quick to anger.

Show appreciation more.

Forgive.

Understand the way other people feel.
Slow down enough to consider what is true and what is real.

And today I will remember the Golden Rule for truer words were never spoken.  More than anything else the Golden Rule is about kindness. 

What is on your to do list?

THE STORY OF THE SAND DOLLAR

"When you do a thing, do it with all your might.  Put your whole soul into it.  Stamp it with your personality.  Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and faithful and you will accomplish your object."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

19th Century American Writer

These words were handed to me on a piece of copy paper by a hospitalized wounded warrior with severe PTSD.  He said when he read the words they reminded him of what we do to help our warriors, whether burn survivors, amputees or the thousands with the invisible wounds of PTSD, TBI and/or MST (Military Sexual Trauma). He wanted us to have them.  I was touched and moved and humbled and ready to perform any miracle I might be able to pull out of a hat to help as many of those suffering from PTSD  as possible.  But then reality hits and says, 'you quite simply can't help them all.'  

I can understand, comprehend, feel to the core the pain of it.  You feel misplaced, alone, scared, and in a world that never stops whirling and a place where you don't feel you belong.  You want life to be the way it was.  You want to go back to 'before.' You want the sun's rays to cover you with a healing warmth and let the rain wash away the pain and uncertainty and grief and allow you to bloom once again.

For some reason, it is easy for me to feel what others are feeling.  To be compassionate.  I want to try to help, to do something, anything, to alleviate the pain.  Perhaps because I too have great pain that needs to be alleviated.  I don't know.

In the words of the 14th Dalai Lama, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

Sometimes in our lives we all need to be carried, when we just couldn't do it anymore.  We will always remember who was there for us.

The Story of the Sand Dollar ~ Making a Difference

An old man was strolling along a beach one day. In the distance he saw a young boy and girl reach down, pick something up and throw it back into the sea.

Drawing nearer, he saw that the sand was littered with thousands of small stranded sand dollars. The children were patiently picking them up, one at a time, and returning them to safety below the water.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Saving sand dollars," replied the children as they continued about the job at hand.

The old man, somewhat jaded by age, thought the children's actions were futile.

"But the beach is littered with dying sand dollars. What possible difference can you make by doing this?"

The young girl bent over, picked up another, and threw it with all her might. With a plop the sand dollar sank safely below the water. Then, turning to the old man, she said with all the wisdom of a child:

"I made a difference for that one."

And so it is with our warriors!  We make a difference one at a time with the all the compassion and resources we have. And when the nights are dark and all consuming, I will try to remember those that we helped and try to find a way to continue helping those that stand by with so much hope that one day they too can have a service dog by their sides to chase away the nightmares and horror.

QUIVERING

Mustang Island......where the hardest decision is what color nail polish to select for a pedicure, choosing between a lunch of Shrimp and Grits Sliders over Crab Cakes, or deciding to eavesdrop on muted conversations about Tommy Lee Jones' frequent visits to the island!  It restores my soul and somewhat softens the  tedious and painful lumps and bumps of life back in reality. 

I was on the eleventh floor of a highrise condo.  From the balcony, I saw this lady walking what appears to be a well seasoned golden retriever.  This scene captured my heart and held on tight.  She or he, looks so much like my golden girl, now gone from my life for almost two years. The lump in my throat was more than noticeable as I remembered places and spaces with "Penny" and how her muzzle turned white and her steps slowed, and how I treasured each moment spent with her in her final days.  I often wonder if she looks down upon the PENNY'S FROM HEAVEN FOUNDATION and realizes her legacy.  A legacy filled with wonder and delight and smiles and tears from patients remembering dogs from days past from a furry bright spot that suddenly entered their lives for a moment. 

It isn't always easy letting go.  It can be grueling! It can shake you to your bones and cause you to quiver in doubt of the future.  Then I remember a greeting card in a gift shop on the island that simply read, "You are not Atlas carrying the world on your shoulder.  It is good to remember that the planet is carrying you." ~Vandana Shiva

Maybe sometimes curling up into a tight little ball is okay.  Maybe pulling the covers back over your head works.  But in the end you have to get up and face the day, the problems, the pain and the unanswered questions. Maybe the answers will come, maybe not.  But in between the questions and the answers lies life!  You have to learn when to hold on tight and when to stop rushing, pushing and manipulating.  You need to learn to say 'no' so your 'yes' has some oomph! Taking one step at a time isn't so bad.  Baby steps can lead you where you are supposed to be, not rushing to find a place where you are not supposed to be.

As for this morning, I want to curl up in a ball and sleep.  A dreary morning back at my desk with piles and piles of work to do, meetings coming up, and as Robert Frost said, "miles to go before I sleep." I am quivering today. Today the planet has to carry me.

COMFORT OPENS YOU LIKE THE PETALS OF A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER

Have you ever thought about how much better you feel when you comfort yourself?  Ladies love to curl up in a soft, yummy blanket and read a good book, and perhaps reach, guiltlessly, for a piece of chocolate or two.  The peace in a home where you can do that is rare. So you have to take it as you can find it.  Or in some cases you have to escape to an island.  As I write this all of my dogs are barking, a fax is coming in and the morning is brand new and the doorbell is ringing. 

I wanted to sit and read a new book I had gotten yesterday.  Of course Military Working Dog related, but nonetheless, comforting to sit in quiet and read!  Something I love to do and seldom do I have the chance to indulge myself with this luxury. 

"Comfort heals.  It brings joy to the spirit.  Comfort renews power, vitality.  Comfort opens you up like the sun unfolds the petals of a fragrant and beautiful flower.  Simply put, comfort will make you and those around you happy." ~ Melody Beattie

Remember when you were young and skinned your knee or had a splinter in your finger?  You most likely would run crying to your mother or grandmother for comfort.  Now who do you run to when you have a bruised ego or hurt feelings?  We are supposed to be strong, composed, in control, in charge.  But sometimes we just aren't, and it is just not possible to imagine we could be this way all of the time.  Maybe outwardly we try, but inwardly we are breaking.

I suppose the hard part for me is to ask for comfort, to find time to allow myself this indulgence, to fall asleep on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around me with the soft breathing of my dogs, as the only background noise audible.  When you allow you to comfort yourself or others to do so, don't you find you feel renewed and the stress and anxiety you are laden with creeps out the door and leaves you to feel like the real you once again?  Not the exhausted, depleted you.

Until I read Melody Beattie's quote above did I realize that what everyone has been saying forever 'that if you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else', really is true.  So yes, I get it, if I am happy most likely those around me will be happy.

This said, next week I am heading to the island once again.  The place where I find healing, and peace, and joy, and relaxation and the ability to inhale all the way to my abdomen.  I will sit and watch movies, walk on the beach, search for shells and find broken ones that somehow remind me of the brokeness in all of us.  I will go to the island seafood store for the day's catch and indulge in the best and freshest fish anywhere, as I prepare it with a butter, garlic, lemon and white wine reduction before dusting it with fresh minced parsley.  I will go to the Island Food Store, which is the size of the entry at a super plus supermarket back home.  I will cherish the simplicity of this oasis where you can find anything and everything you need without hiking miles and aisles to find it.  I will absorb the local color and go into shops with glitter and confetti on the floor and a bubble machine outside next to a pepto bismol colored car.  I will search for paw prints in the sand and remember the comfort of walking with one of my dogs by my side and my mission and purpose on this planet.  I will ask for the ability to remain steadfast in my journey.

I will in these days find the ability to remember who I am and what my purpose is and hopefully shed some of the barnacles of anxiety that cause my rampant panic and vertigo attacks.  I will pamper myself, I will comfort myself.  I will renew myself and come home rested and peaceful and smiling. I will begin writing a book I feel compelled to write (# 56).  I will fall in love with life once again and remember how to dance on the edge of each day and yell 'watch out below' as I recall what it is like to once again feel comforted.

I wish you peace.