Wednesday, December 31, 2014
I have promised myself that the next day and the next day and the next I would begin to write my blog again. The last posting was February 8th, 2014! Wow.
I don't know what happened or stopped me or why. What I do know is that my soul aches for lack of writing and has for a long while. So much has happened to me in the past year that I don't know where to start, nor is it necessary to go into detail. There were good days and bad days, sad days and jubilant ones, and days filled with stress I thought would never end.
Ultimately, I learned a great deal. I learned about people, the good, the bad and the ugly. Not that I hadn't always known most of this, but circumstances happened that leveled me and then ultimately restored my soul. So I will start with today. ~New Year's Eve day. A new day, on the cusp of a new year 2015 filled with hope.
I guess we all to some degree reflect on the previous year and what it brought us, meant to us, and taught us. One thing I learned is that if you want something badly enough you can make it happen in most cases. It may not happen exactly the way you had hoped, but it happens the way it is meant to, the way it was supposed to. There are blessings and opportunities that keep us learning and expanding. I learned that I could keep going despite the multiple challenges and become a better person for so doing. I took a risk and had no idea how far it would lead not just me, but others.
I pushed the envelope fearlessly with conviction. I saw how much of myself I was willing to give. I saw how far I could go. I have no regrets. There are many ways to approach a stressful time in our lives. Surrendering to these times are not easy, but if you consider that there is a reason it has been given to you and not someone else, you will understand that this is part of your journey.
This past year was grueling for a myriad of reasons. But lives have been changed for the better because of it. I see that now. For having been a part of it, I have most assuredly been challenged and blessed. It wasn't the year I envisioned or even wanted. I wanted to write and pour words out onto paper and attempt to finish the four books I have begun. I wanted to hopefully change lives and bring solace, but it wasn't the right time to write. I had things to learn that could only be learned by going through, not around.
There have been so many, many times in my life when I have felt lost, broken, alone, confused and filled with pain. Panic and anxiety have won much of the time, but this too is part of my journey. Through it all remains hope and faith. I have gotten through this past year, and I now reflect on how I did it. I felt hopeless many times and struggled with PTSD and horrible anxiety. Today I reflect on how I got through it. I will apply what I overcame to this new year and know that whatever happens I can and will get through it.
Things come to us for a season and a reason. We must surrender to them as gifts and challenges with wisdom and grace. Sometimes we have to stop fighting and surrender.
Now to create the life I want for this new year. What is it I want?
I am a different person than I was at this time last year. As I have delved into myself, profound questions have been answered. Soul searching has been hard. There is no other word for it. Stuff long buried surfaced and with it a new awareness of who I am. I won't go further but suffice it to say the future will be different for me. I have dreams that I want fulfilled, and I will have faith that they will come to fruition.
And to my friends (both two legged and four) who have held me up, supported me, loved me and come and rescued me on more than one occasion...you are cherished. Without you I could never have made it. I wish all of you a new year filled with blessings, whether good or bad, that show you that you too can and will face them with courage and grace.
Bottom line is whatever gifts and challenges you might be struggling with surrender to them.
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
~ James Baldwin