Thursday, April 15, 2010


It occurred to me as I was falling asleep last night that I have an obligation and a responsibility to you, the readers of my words.

If I don't put the right words down - you won't take the right words out. I shall try. 

I was told yesterday that I am 'a wonderful writer' and to never stop.'  This should have made my head spin, but it didn't.  For me, writing is a selfish thing, a personal thing. I have to write. To me, it is as vital as breathing.  It can clear my head like a walk in the evening rain.  When my mind is filled and my heart is empty or bursting, I write.  I do so from a place deep inside.  It almost seems strange to divulge something, and some things, so personal to you my readers.

But it is a rhythm found in my heart beat, in my mind.  This early morning I see in this place deep inside, a deer in a green, lush, vibrant forest.  In her face I sense vigilance and surveillance, for sounds in the woods.  She will take a nibble and then look around. I strangely wonder if she is content, happy.  I wonder if she has emotions or feelings.  I think of my soldiers who are hyper vigilant, who never are at peace, even, and maybe especially, in sleep. A bizarre chain of consciousness this morning - or maybe not.

Today I am feeling something I have never felt.  I feel I know myself better than ever before.  I have been able in the past two days to actually yell and scream and open my darkest places and fears to two friends.  Because of feeling safe with them perhaps, but because they both truly care and they do not judge me and have no real ulterior motives except for my peace.

Why I was on the fringes of a meltdown are for me and me alone to know.  But within the borders of this 'thing,' I realized that some people come into our lives, and we will never be the same for having had them, if only for a short time.  People we would have always missed, if we had never met them.  People who awakened places and realizations inside us that what has been missing in our lives, has been missing in a most substantial way.

One is leaving soon, but he has taught me a tremendous amount about the 'heartland' and the heart. 

I wish him well.  I wish him peace, joy, happiness and to maybe one day meet me in Colorado by a trout stream. I want to see the mountains in his eyes.

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