Sunday, March 28, 2010


I feel certain that your world often feels as topsy turvey as mine.  When nothing you do is good enough, when people you have trusted and relied on turn on you with venom, when people you love don't love you back, when a pint of 'Cookies and Cream' ice cream is heaven and a lap full of dog is a gift.

Recently at a hotel in Nashville, days and nights turned topsy turvey when we exited from our rooms into hallways of this carpet.  In the elevator, I quiried people as to their thoughts about this floor covering.  Only two out of dozens thought it was "fun."  Fun in small doses perhaps for a nursery school,  but not yards and yards of it. 

It served only to remind me of my recent diagnosis of Panic Disorder.  The carpet looks like my mind feels when it is experiencing 'panic.' Circles and colors and chaos and fear and anxiety all running together in a hallway with no way out.  And then the intense fear of having another attack sets in and causes another attack.  Weird stuff this Panic Disorder!  Okay I am told to reduce my stress - and my anxiety will be reduced.  Get rid of the triggers and the anxiety will be reduced.  Breathe in - breathe out - slowly. 

Okay I will buy it.  I have researched it, googled it and swallowed it, and had psychological counseling, and I get it.  But how do I stop the constant everyday stressors in my life, to say nothing of those who are determined to take gigantic bites out of me to satisfy their own needs and to cause pain to someone they know nothing about. These people who have made assumptions based on no factual information whatsoever,  seem to enjoy flinging arrows in my direction.

The pattern on this psychodelic carpet is almost guaranteed to make you crazy, or at least me.  To stand in a hallway full of people curiously observing me taking a  photograph of the carpet....well you make the conclusion!

Perhaps this carpet was my turning point!

But there was an ending to this explosion of chaotic carpet...the pillows on the beds had monogrammed pillow cases!  SOFT and FIRM!  It made me wonder why don't people come with labels?  Perhaps if they did, I would, or could, learn to like this carpet.

I laid down on the SOFT pillow and melted.  As I did so, I remembered a patient in one of the hospitals on one of my Animal Assisted Therapy visits to patients with my precious Penny.  The gentleman in his wheelchair told me he thought Penny looked tired.  He petted her head and with eyes that would move mountains, quietly whispered, "Rest your head on me - I can handle it."

This is Holy Week.  I will forgive those who have temporarily caused me to crumble.  I will forgive. I will rest my head.


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