Monday, April 18, 2011
"It was only a sunny smile and little it cost in the giving but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living." ~ Anonymous
Have you ever been in a place somewhere between bafflement and faith? You are not stuck exactly, but not completely sure where you are going. Sometimes I find myself playing a game of eenie-meenie-miney-moe, while trying to deliberate between knowing exactly what I want, versus digging my heals in and changing nothing.
Remember Alice in Wonderland? Alice found by eating the magic mushrooms her size changed. This I understand. Some days I feel very small and then others quite big. Some days strong and some days weak.
I guess to some degree we are all balancing what we are now and what we want to be or become, or should be in someone else's eyes. It is all quite dizzying.
Okay, here is the deal. I oversacrifice my life for others. It's not a secret. Friends tell me, professionals tell me, doctors tell me. And oddly enough, I tell me! This behavior is hard to indulge. It is also equally hard to get rid of. I want to stop, but don't, or can't, or won't. Or there may be guilt involved.
False niceness is sabotaging and needs to be shed, removed, gotten rid of. It is then that you find who is really there for you in the long haul. Excuse me if I have to say that this is liberating, freeing. It is like spreading your wings and flying high in the clouds with a background of bird egg blue sky. Perhaps removing the falseness will make room for the more important things. And perhaps it is in this place that you find joy.
The desire to be everything to everyone blocks our flow. Who we really are vanishes in the process. But how do you say no? How do you set the boundaries? How do you get rid of the 'stuff' and people that drag you to the depths?
Okay, so what is the payoff, our payoff, to remaining stuck? Ahh. That is the question that needs thought. That is the question that needs answering. Listen to your heart.
My Gracie, in the photograph, is who I want to emulate. Almost completely blind, she is joyful at the least little thing. From a running jump into my lap every morning, as I race to get the coffee cup out of the way. She gets her 'snuggle' and her 'settle' and as if to say thank you, jumps off my lap and races around the room, as if she is saluting another beautiful day, by simply running for joy. I want to feel that way.
Gracie opens my heart in ways that nothing else can . As she stretches out upside down on my lap to get her tummy scratches, she is at peace. She can also be irritating beyond belief in her indefatigable pursuit of being the single most stubborn creature on earth. But this I admire. She knows what she wants. She knows who she is. And she is perfectly content with that. Others might find her a bit of a challenge and overwhelming at times, but she doesn't care. She doesn't change her core spirit, and that is just fine. Why can't we all be that way?
Why can't we all find our river and just go with the flow - without having to change direction constantly to suit someone else's needs, wants or desires? Perhaps as we find our true internal guide we can shake the fruit tree and reality will be delivered.
As a creative spirit, I must have downtime, time to do nothing! Withdrawl is mandatory. Without this period of recharging and solitude, I become depleted. But others don't always, or shall I say seldom, understand this. I am considered aloof, unapproachable, and more frequently intimidating. The tendency is to say 'I'm sorry.' But I don't. This is who I am. And I will not apologize. There are times that I quite simply need to nurture myself. I refuse to make a virtue out of depriving myself of what I need the most. Others will need to understand or get out of the way. Sounds a bit strong I suppose or perhaps selfish, but what good am I to anyone, if I am not who I am to myself?
So no excuses, no suffocating in the quagmire of what others think we should be, or say, or do. Today I will listen to Gracie and I will listen to that still small voice inside of me that says, 'I am enough.'