JUMPING FOR JOY ~ A LITTLE BLIND DOG

It is the little things that really are the big things!  The smell of freshly mowed grass, fields of lavender, warm clean blankets, a baby's breath, a puppy dog, the touch of warm gentle hands, soft tender words. 

 

From Gracie, my eyes and soul and heart have found a place I didn't know existed.  A place where  unconditional love and trust lives, and a place where life is embraced with something inexplicable, bountiful, and beautiful. A place where you can jump for joy! 

 

Seeing life through Gracie's sightless eyes has awakened me to that which is most important of all.  Her little soul has taught me to watch, listen, feel, and learn at a deeper level.  She does not feel sorry for herself and doesn't  know she is different. She teaches lessons that can be found in those who embrace all life. See clearly, listen closely, and love with your whole heart, no matter what.  If you can do this, you have been truly blessed.

 

There are times when my shoulders are like marshmallows. I do what I have to do.  Being selfless and giving sometimes takes its toll.  The trick is picking ourselves up and making it up two flights of stairs in the dark with trust, faith, and hope. You can tell observing Gracie, that each step is a step of faith.  But eventually you, as does Gracie, make it to the top, and it is there and then, that you celebrate life and your ability to have accomplished something huge and significant no matter how small it might appear. 

 

With Gracie, it is not about  facing a problem or dilemma, but in the solution and the destination.  She has no capacity to ask 'why me'. Nor does she waste time feeling sorry for herself.  She simply moves forward and reaches her goal, searching for that one ray of sunshine that can only be found in a special place, like most of us at one time or another.  

 

Comfort and encouragement are there for Gracie, skirting on the edge. And when the goal is reached there are hugs and love for my girl who is instilled in a world of darkness.  But through it all there is a window of light that she sees and opens for all of us to cherish and learn from.  I put frames around these moments and treasure them in my heart. For with each triumph, Gracie has taught me to how to watch, listen, learn, and live at a far deeper level than I ever could have imagined. 

 

I hug her and inhale her. I am one with her for a while.  And it is in these times that I can feel sadness leaving my body, as I peacefully breathe in and out into her fur. It is not a wonder that so many, many warriors have told me they felt like an 'angel had entered their rooms' in the hospital.

 

 

 

Gracie may not see, but she sees with her heart. I have been at the starting gate with her since she was seven weeks old and now she is eleven years old. I know that because of her I am a better person.  I have learned to accept challenges differently.  I have learned to love deeper and expect that same love in return. I have learned that no matter what there is a way, and no matter how many obstacles are put in my path, I take the knock and the bump, and find a way around it to reach my goal. I no longer waste time feeling sorry for myself.  I celebrate the moment.  I take more delight in the little things, the small steps and in many insignificant details to most.  I feel often that I am on a different plain.  And I suppose to some degree I am. But I am content, and I am blessed to have had the greatest teacher ever, a Petite Basset Griffon Vendeen named Gracie, that has opened my eyes to the beauty around me and taught me that there is a spark inside of her that is like no other.  A spark that shimmers and radiates hope, love, and courage.  Gracie is a true inspiration, offering warmth and love to anyone who takes the time to watch her, as her little light shines so brightly.

 

THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE

When my daughter was about two, I remember so vividly handing her a dandelion that had gone to seed. She held it and looked at it with amazement and such tenderness, as only a child could.  She turned it around and around and then took a deep breath, puckered, and blew the whisper white seeds into the air. I took a photo just as they were vanishing into the breeze, as her little pink lips still puckered, as softly as a kiss.  It was a glorious photo that captured a most special moment.  I sent  it to a contest and won first prize. It wasn't the prize that was important.  What was important was the moment.

 

I remember it as if it were yesterday.  The sun, the soft warm breeze and a little girl, so full of wonderment and promise,  enchanted by a dandelion.

 

Most of us are surrounded by these moments that are far from ordinary, yet we completely miss them.  I am an observer of people and things.  To me what I observe today is quite sad.  People pass right by a flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk, with never a thought of that flower that is growing so heroically and bravely.

Nothing says 'hope' quite so eloquently as a flower such as this, thriving in a place where you might least expect it.  Benjamin Franklin said it perfectly, "Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.  Keep in the sunlight."  Just as this little flower does!  No matter how many times it has been walked on or stepped on, it just keeps right on growing.  But how many people even notice?  How many care?  How many miss this amazing moment? How many live in the sunlight?

I can only feel a sadness for them for missing such moments...the beautiful moments that hold so much meaning, if only we take the time to notice them. Perhaps I am out of touch, out of fashion, out of this world.  But as William Sherman said, "To be yourself, simple, honest and unpretending, you will enjoy through life the respect and love of friends."

So just as my precious little blind dog Gracie does, I too will let my little light shine!  For it does and will make a difference.  And, I will, as Homer said, "Go on with a spirit that fears nothing." I will applaud the flowers growing in the cracks and the people and lives they represent.  For there are many of us who thrive in the cracks and crannies of life. And for them I am grateful.

Gracie practices and exhibits courage every single day, with every step she takes.  She is my little brave flower, a flower of hope.  She has a love of life that few humans possess.  She will stand in a crowd or an elevator full of people and roll over onto her back to be petted.  She will coo and give them a gentle kiss with her little pink tongue.  They say, "Oh poor thing she is missing an eye. She is blind."  Oh no quite the contrary, she isn't missing anything.  She lives for the moment, the special, the ordinary, the mundane, the glorious moments that this life offers to all of us, if only we pay attention.  Gracie lets her little light shine, as would all of us, if we would only dream, wish, believe, and live in the moments we are blessed with!

"Grace comes into the soul as the morning sun into the world; first a dawning; then a light; and at last the sun in his full and excellent brightness."

Thomas Adams

 

 

 

 

WHAT COMPASSION ASKS

What is this thing called compassion?    Where does it take us?  Where does it come from? What does it ask of us?

 

I had a childhood totally lacking love, compassion and passion.  I never felt loved, not once.  I never remember any tender arms around me mothering me, consoling me, relieving my pain, holding onto me so I didn't feel like I was going to fly off into space. What I do remember was physical and mental abuse.  My father, a prominent oil and gas attorney, was never there and my mother never touched me, except to hit me or yell at me. And I never remembered anyone ever telling me they loved me.

I do however remember my grandmother, Nanny, the first woman pharmacist in Oklahoma, holding me as I fell asleep in her small  iron bed, covered with her down-filled pale blue handmade quilt.  She would wrap her arms around me, and we snuggled as she taught me what love felt like, as I fell asleep peacefully in her arms.  I have rarely felt it since. Today I have my own white iron bed with a pale blue bedspread.  Nanny is still with me in so many ways.

 

Growing up I recall all too well reaching out to those classmates who were not the 'pretty ones' or the 'popular ones'.  I could see pain,loneliness and something missing in their eyes and their souls.  And it was to them I gravitated.  I felt their pain.  Just like me, they felt that they weren't good enough.  This I knew and understood all too well.

 

At the time, for me, this emotion or this feeling didn't have a name.  Later I realized it was called compassion. Since those early days, for me compassion wakes me up and reaches out of me with tender arms to those around me who cry and suffer and long for something of an unknown origin. I have done this for as long as I can remember, back to grade school, then high school,  college, and now with my wounded warriors or with anyone, stranger or friend, that I see struggling or suffering. 

 

I quite simply want to relieve their pain as much as possible,  perhaps because compassion asks this of me.  I don't knowingly do this because there is something in it for me.  I do it simply because it was born in me.  Show me the excluded, the ill, the dying, the sad, the lonely.  Show me those who fight daily with demons that can't be tamed. I will appear with the bandages to help sooth their wounds, whether physical or mental.  The bandages I arrive with, more than likely, are rescued four footed angels that happened into my life, as a salve themselves for the pain I have been afforded in my life. They provide a place of nourishment for me, and for those patients I have worked with for decades.

 

It has become quite clear that when I was struggling alone for a great portion of my early life with my own loneliness and pain, sharing my suffering with others has become a holy act of compassion.  This quite simply, I truly believe, is why I am on this earth.

 

Every tear I have shed, every betrayal I have been afforded, every moment of grace, every hour of hope, every sunrise and sunset over an ocean or  thunderstorm in the mountains, every moment however small has suddenly been a wonder, a surprise, a knowingness, a gift of huge proportions toward fully  understanding there was a hope rising in me, to help all of us to understand that each of us fight our own battles, inwardly and/or outwardly.  And that from that promise emerges the fact that we can all exist with our own scars and a knowingness that  kind words, an outstretched hand or a simple smile can quite literally save another person.  A sincerity that they can see in your face and feel deep down inside, as I pull them back into life, if even just for a moment, as I live my religion.

 

From my scars, hope has arisen in others, smiles appear on vacant faces, arms stretch out wide open to encompass a complete stranger, who for whatever reason loves them with all her heart. Through me, my dogs are an offering of unconditional love to others.

So out of my scars great lessons have been learned. And for them I am a better person. I am compelled to struggle and suffer with those around me and to help relieve their pain, as much as possible. For this I suppose I should be grateful for the neglect and abuse I endured at a way too early age. For now I get it.  Now I understand.  We must all stand as a community rather than alone and reach out to those who need us the most.

I remember the little girl in me who had been wounded by life at a tender young age. A little girl who went on to adapt to others expectations by trying to please everyone, no matter the repercussions, because she was so fearful of disapproval and drawing outside of the lines. In finding compassion for others, she has become able to cradle a ragged old stuffed rabbit, that has no nose, every night and release that injured part of herself, as she soon realized this rabbit was indeed herself.

Now I get it. Now I know I am enough.  Now this little girl feels and listens deeply to the silent and sometimes not so silent cries of others, and with everything in her, she tries to help them in whatever way she can, for in so doing she find she is healing herself.

PERMISSION TO REWRITE MY LIFE

There are many kinds of medicine.  To me writing is medicine. It guides me through injuries, good times, and difficult changes. I have been one person for so long I am not certain how to go about this thing called change. So I sit.  I think.  I ponder.  I am uncertain still. I am uneasy, wobbly, and sitting in a kind of void.

Photo Courtesy of Martin Cordes

 

As author Julia Cameron says, "Writing allows us to rewrite our lives.  When injuries are buried instead of acknowledged, they create a potent writer's block."  She suggests 'writing for revenge'.  Try writing 'to show them.'

 

In the background on the television downstairs I hear the Marine Hymn.  Somehow ironic perhaps, or yet perhaps not.  The fight is on the football field, yet to me it is in my soul. I can't find the right keys on the keyboard. The words I want to write seem to be stuck in a black hole somewhere.  But I know to remain true to myself I must forge ahead and see what comes out.  I have been severely injured.  I don't know how to take a step forward. "One step at a time" I am told. 

 

Yesterday I mentioned I had not written since February 8th of last year.  Since then I have been blocked, having to put my sole focus on something else. It was folly to think I could sit down and the words could come out of my fingertips in any meaningful way.  I have temporarily been leeched of my writing power. But hope comes, as I hear what Cameron says, "Made conscious, our creative villains can be actively faced down."  So today I will try to write for revenge. 

 

Writing is who I am and the words I write show this.

 

Today is bleak and cold, depressing, and wet here in South Texas.  Winter storm warnings are in effect.  The glitter and glitz of the past holiday is weakened and solemn. Music is missing.The world seems asleep and somewhat numb.  This morning I listen to my life.  There is something missing.  I am missing joy...unbridled joy. It has been sucked out of me.  I want to remember, no I must remember, what it feels likes to be wrapped in layers of laughter, joy, love, respect and peace.  But I don't seem to be able to remember that right now.

 

I like to say I feel 'bended, folded, stapled and mutilated'.  That pretty much says it all.  But does writing make that feeling vanish and do I feel revenge? Or is it in the focus of writing and no longer being a puppet where I will find solace.  When I write I am quite clearly rearranging my life and my thoughts.  There is a clear beginning and an ending.  My life this past year was focused on something I was not prepared for, nor qualified for.  It took a great toll on me, both mentally and physically.  But what I did, I did with passion, love, and discipline. I did the best I could. Now I yearn to return to writing. And in so doing I will rearrange my life and 'show them.'

I remember when I divorced in 1992. My ex bid me farewell with "You will never make it without me."  Well guess what...I have written 57 books, owned and operated three bed and breakfasts, founded multiple non profits and still have a roof over my head and food on the table and warm furry best friends at my feet that love me no matter what.

I have much knowledge to share and will begin that journey.  The new year will be a new beginning and an ending at the same time.  I will no longer be battered, and I will no longer let my dreams and goals and skills be stifled. Today I begin writing not out of anger, angst, outrage or indignation. 

Today I write for joy!



 

THE NEXT DAY

I have promised myself that the next day and the next day and the next I would begin to write my blog again.  The last posting was February 8th, 2014!  Wow.

 

I don't know what happened or stopped me or why.  What I do know is that my soul aches for lack of writing and has for a long while.  So much has happened to me in the past year that I don't know where to start, nor is it necessary to go into detail. There were good days and bad days, sad days and jubilant ones, and days filled with stress I thought would never end.  

 

Ultimately,  I learned a great deal. I learned about people, the good, the bad and the ugly.  Not that I hadn't always known most of this, but circumstances happened that leveled me and then ultimately restored my soul.    So I will start with today. ~New Year's Eve day. A new day, on the cusp of a new year 2015 filled with hope. 

 

I guess we all to some degree reflect on the previous year and what it brought us, meant to us, and taught us. One thing I learned is that if you want something badly enough you can make it happen in most cases.  It may not happen exactly the way you had hoped, but it happens the way it is meant to, the way it was supposed to. There are blessings and opportunities that keep us learning and expanding. I learned that I could keep going despite the multiple challenges and become a better person for so doing. I took a risk and had no idea how far it would lead not just me, but others. 

 

I pushed the envelope fearlessly with conviction. I saw how much of myself I was willing to give. I saw how far I could go. I have no regrets.  There are many ways to approach a stressful time in  our lives. Surrendering to these times are not easy, but if you consider that there is a reason it has been given to you and not someone else, you will understand that this is part of your journey. 

 

This past year was grueling for a myriad of reasons.  But lives have been changed for the better because of it.  I see that now. For having been a part of it, I have  most assuredly been challenged and blessed. It wasn't the year I envisioned or even wanted.  I wanted to write and pour words out onto paper and  attempt to finish the four books I have begun.  I wanted to hopefully change lives and bring solace, but  it wasn't the right time to write. I had things to learn that could only be learned by going through, not around.

 

 There have been so many, many times in my life when I have felt lost, broken, alone, confused and filled with pain. Panic and anxiety have won much of the time, but this too is part of my journey.  Through it all remains hope and faith. I have gotten through this past year, and I now reflect on how I did it.  I felt hopeless many times and struggled with PTSD and horrible anxiety. Today I reflect on how I got through it.  I will apply what I overcame to this new year and know that whatever happens I can and will get through it. 

 

Things come to us for a season and a reason.  We must surrender to them as gifts and challenges with wisdom and grace.  Sometimes we have to stop fighting and surrender.

 

Now to create the life I want for this new year. What is it I want? 

 

I am a different person than I was at this time last year.  As I have delved into myself, profound questions have been answered.  Soul searching has been hard.  There is no other word for it.  Stuff long buried surfaced and with it a new awareness of who I am.  I won't go further but suffice it to say the future will be different for me. I have dreams that I want fulfilled, and I will have faith that they will come to fruition.

 

And to my friends (both two legged and four) who have held me up, supported me, loved me and come and rescued me on more than one occasion...you are cherished.  Without you I could never have made it.  I wish all of you a new year filled with blessings, whether good or bad, that show you that you too can and will face them with courage and grace.

 

Bottom line is whatever gifts and challenges you might be struggling with surrender to them.

 

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"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."

~ James Baldwin

 

 

 

 

 

KELSIE ~ LOVE TO THE RESCUE

 

 

 

 

I woke up at 3:30 AM, let the dogs out, and after a few minutes, we all went back to bed. All but one sleeps in my bedroom. They fell fast asleep, and I was wide awake. It took a while to fall asleep but eventually I did.  It was a restless sleep, ending with me screaming from a horrible nightmare of being attacked and physically assaulted. 

 

Kelsie, asleep at the foot of my bed, instantly alerted and came up, jumped on me and started pawing at me  and nudging until I woke up. I threw my arms around her and cried and cried. Now I know the true gift of dogs, and what I have been telling our warriors with PTSD about their service dogs waking them from a panic attack really does work. It worked for me. 

 

She lay down with her head on my shoulder, breathing into my neck. Her warm muzzle, her steady breathing brought me back to reality.  I have never felt safer! We fell asleep together, snuggled close.

 

 

I truly believe that I was blessed with Post Traumatic Stress so that I could better understand the warriors and their issues, and that I could better serve their needs and understand what they endure. And I know I have been blessed with Kelsie, as have many, many warriors and their families.

 

How did she know? The other two dogs never moved or woke up.  But Kelsie knew.  She just knew.  And truly at that time 'why' didn't matter.  All that mattered was she was there when I needed her. She took immediate action. And there is literally no doubt she knows she is loved in return. 

 

THE UNSHAKABLE COMPANION

 

Being a friend is easy when times are good or when you benefit from the relationship  But a true friend sticks by your side even when things get tough.  This is the kind of friend you desire.  But to have one, this is also the kind of friend you must be. ~ John C. Maxwell

 

HOW TO BE NONCHALANT

I sometimes find I live by my Snoopy Daily Inspirational Calendar!! Today's hit the spot!

"NONCHALANCE IS THE ABILITY TO REMAIN DOWN TO EARTH WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE IS UP IN THE AIR." ~ Earl Wilson

 

Perhaps at first glance this seems brilliant...but is it?  Is it as easy as remaining calm in the midst of chaos? Or is it we who are creating the chaos?  What do you think? 

 

In my opinion, I tend to feel that we create chaos in our own minds because of other's chaos in their lives.  It is human nature, or at least mine, to try and fix everything and everyone.  Convince them, if you will, that there is another way, a better way, ultimately meaning our way is better.  Sometimes there is a impenetrable brick wall.  Knocking, nudging, shoving, or pushing quite simply does  not work.  Sometimes you just have to let go and realize that to them it is the right way.  It just isn't your way. And you have to stand back and separate yourself from the chaos.

 

Perhaps the answer is remaining nonchalant.  Perhaps this is what saves us from the insanity of it all.  We can't fix it and our advise isn't taken...so why try?  We offer advice that is ignored and swept under the carpet.  We become frustrated and angry because our words of advice, based on expertise and experience, are disregarded and disrespected.

 

So it appears we must let them learn from their own mistakes.  Then comes the question what if they don't learn.  What if they are completely closed from any other mindset but their own?  Then what? What if they truly believe they are doing it correctly?

 

Is it our problem then? Is it our problem after we have given it all we have, and they still pay no heed?

 

There is that wonderful quote, "Let go and let God!" Yes this is where I am.  I have no idea what to do, how to help, how to get through, how to reach through a closed door and offer a better way. So for me I am going to let go and let God.

 

Now staying calm in the midst of chaos is another matter.  Keeping my mouth shut and trying to keep positive while living in an unsettled environment in which I have literally no control or power has to be the way.

 

I am at work learning to stay calm no matter what is going on around me...and please know that this isn't easy. Many are too busy to search themselves internally and see what they are doing to harm their bodies, themselves, their business, and ultimately others that care for them.

 

I am 100% certain that there are two types of people ~ our teachers and our friends.  Your friends are there for you, to support and love you for all time.  Your teachers however are there to point out your areas of weakness through a lack of support, criticism and rejection.  Can they be both? If only it were recognized that with these assumptions we can have no enemies.

 

Rejection issues come from old patterns of rejection and denial. This ultimately makes us, if we are wise, realize that most stress patterns are self inflicted.  If we can rid ourselves of these patterns we just might arrive at that place where calm and freedom exist.

My lifelong mantra is "When you don't know what to do ~ don't do anything." The answer could lie in lightening up and releasing the inner turmoil that has accumulated  and finding we become much more aware of what life has to give.  But know this is not easy, and it takes time and patience. Every once in a while we all get walled off by old baggage.  Baggage that isn't so easy to get rid of~ baggage we don't even recognize we have. 

 

As Carolyn Gross states in Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos, "When we learn to release this inner turmoil, we can then walk into a business meeting, a party, or any public arena and share our lightness with the world.  We then become calm in the midst of chaos.  People want to know us, they want to hire us, they want to love us."

 

There is an accompanying sense of freedom once this place is reached.  Letting go~ I know for a fact that this determination has and is shifting my own life from one of chaos and constant upheaval to one of joy.  It has been a long journey and one that is not easy.  Nonchalance ~~ remember the word and try it next time you are fighting a losing battle and all roads seem uphill and endless. You will find you begin surround yourself with those people who exhibit a sense of calm and love.  We may not always be able to change those around us ~ but we can change ourselves! Surround yourself with the things and the people you love!