BELIEVE

"Believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Believe that you may be that light for someone else."

 

Kobi Yamada

 

It has been said that no one can go it alone.  Somewhere there is that person who gives you faith that you can make it.  When you are at your lowest, and it seems the world has beaten you senseless, there is that someone who believes in you and your dreams, and it is then that you peak out from under the covers and begin to believe that they just might be right.

 

 

Everyday I see so many people trying to help our returning warriors/heroes ~ not nearly enough, but some.  For me, I have a passion that will not end for these men and women who have given their best, and in all too many cases their lives, so that we may live in a country that is free. This is a grand and glorious thing, but it occurred to me that as we cherish our heroes, we often forget that we who are there for them are special to someone too.

 

 

Helping a friend, healing a wound, doing a kindness, taken on a challenge or simply smiling at a stranger, as we deeply inhale the air of our very existence on this planet...we too may find that in our own wondrous ways we are a light for someone else.  This is what I strive for.  This is what I find most important in my life.

 

I think of the high points in my life and realize that most of them have come through encouragement from someone else.

 

 

"If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a kind word of encouragement, or attempts to understand, extraordinary things begin to happen. ~ Loretta Girzartis

 

 

"Treasure the one who is thinking of you when all others are thinking of themselves.

~ James Gunn

 

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." ~ Thomas Chandler

 

 

I find when I am scared, exhausted, depleted and desperately frantic for peace and a friendly face, the right person appears.  That person could be someone I have known for a very long time, or someone that just was plopped into my life at the right time and moment.  I truly believe, if you open your eyes and admit you are human and can't always be strong and go it alone, just be you, be honest, be afraid, and holler and you just might find, as do I, that it isn't quite so lonesome out there.  

WHAT DO FEELINGS AND APPLE TREES HAVE IN COMMON?

There is a powerful saying in the world of writing.  "If you can't feel it you can't write it!"  Agreed!  Our feelings are so much a part, a valuable part, of what it is to be human.  And sometimes our feelings run so deep that it hurts to express them verbally or even in writing. For if you do then they become real. This is much like another statement, "Love can only spill from a heart that has been broken."

I have struggled, am struggling, daily to overcome feelings.......feelings based on 'stuff' that happened a long time ago that defined the journey I have taken in this life. And feelings that have happened in the past 4-5 years that have changed me and then more recent feelings that have altered who I thought I was and where I thought I was going.  It is almost like 'unlearning' a lifetime of mistakes not of your own making.  But mistakes that altered the path you find yourself taking repeatedly.  Then you slowly begin to wake up to who you really are and what you really want, taking all else out of the equation.

 

It may not always be the popular route but it is your route. You may hurt feelings but then you have been hurt enough.  In life, we do things. Some, we wish we had never done, and some we wish we could replay a million times, but they ultimately make us who we are, and in the end they shape and detail us.  We would not be who we are today without all the mistakes of yesterday.

 

I worry about time wasted.  Then I replay the tape and see all the good that I have done for others, forsaking myself. So perhaps the bottom line is that we just live. We make mistakes and have some wonderful memories. We should never forget who we are, where we have been, and more importantly, where we are going.
 

A friend told me this week, after I had yet again been betrayed and hurt by several people who I was trying to assist to help our wounded warriors,  to just 'pull up myself by my bootstraps and keep on going.' But boy it gets tiresome.  Sometimes you just want to scream and hurt something and not swallow the grief and drama inflicted on you by others.

 

But ultimately you can't be protected from life sometimes breaking you.  You have to, no matter what, love and feel.  For that is the reason you are on this earth.  You are here to risk your heart. And as Terry Hershey wrote, "You are here to be swallowed up.  And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.  Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

 

Now all I need is the apple tree and angels sleeping on my pillow.

 

MY TREASURE

 

 

"IMPROVE YOUR SPARE MOMENTS AND THEY WILL BECOME THE BRIGHTEST GEMS IN YOUR LIFE."

~RALPH WALDO EMERSON

 

 

 

The past week since July 3rd has been a blur.  One of my precious dogs ate, and thoroughly enjoyed doing so, a squeaker out of a stuffed dog toy.  He is a hound dog....a Petit Basset Griffon Vendeen...a funny, lively little breed from France, bred to hunt rabbits.  Remy hunts squeakers.  It is instinct.  It is hell.

 

This particular squeaker was the last remaining one in my house that was given to my therapy dog, Kelsie, from a wounded warrior.  It was made out of camo and he loved it when she came to visit and the toy was there with her.  I had it hidden.  Or so I thought. Remy, being a scent hound, knew exactly where it was hidden and waited for is golden opportunity, when no one was looking to put it out of its misery. And so he did.  Here is where the story begins.....a rush to the Emergency Pet hospital at 3:00 am to retrieve the squeaker.  It seems it had blocked his small intestine and surgery was the only option.  $3,203.00 later he is on the road to recovery. 

 

So deciding what to write this morning, the first I have had to sit down in forever it seems, was to write about remembering in the stressful times to take time to relax.  "A great time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~ Sydney Harris

This is easier said than done when your crazy, lovable rescue pure bred PBGV is in crisis! I too was in crisis.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and then a return emergency visit for complications to the ER.

Today I report he is on the road to recovery with his cone head and stapled belly!  But funny he doesn't seem to mind.  He is tolerating everything and doing so much better than am I.

I had amazing friends who dropped everything to help me with him.  They cared, they understood and they were there night or day when I needed them the most.  I was honest as I told them I can't do this alone. "When friends ask, there is no tomorrow...only now.." ~ Alexandra Drey And so it was with them.  One left work, another left everything to come and go with me to the second ER trip with Remy.  I was never alone and felt cared for and cherished and most of all understood for my love of this other goofy little creature that has been put in my care. 

Remy had been a rescue from Illinois.  He had basically spent the first 4 years of his life in a crate.  Well, this is an amazingly energetic breed that needs a job and attention.  Long story short, he has awakened something in me, something that only comes from rescuing a dog in need. For truth be known he awakened something in me as well.  Something that filled a place that oddly enough only he could fill.  He is now 100% totally and completely bonded to me.  He came into a household with one deaf rescue dog, one blind PBGV and my golden/lab therapy dog.  Needless to say the transition wasn't easy.  Dogs read body language of other dogs and when the physical disabilities prevented this...well it took a year!  But now all are 'playing nicely in the sandbox.' So long as there are no squeakers involved. He never takes his eyes off of me, for fear he will be abandoned again.  He is smart and can tell my moods and actions almost before I do.  He rises to the occasion.  Having chronic depression he will not allow me to dwell on it and stands and barks at me to bring me back to reality.  He is my little nemesis and my angel all at the same time.

Remy has improved my spare moments, and they have become some of  the brightest times of my life. His soft snoring and sighing, late at night when the world is asleep, provide me with a comfort like none other. His unrelenting eagerness to see me, whether I had just gone to the mailbox across the street, or was gone for several hours, is unequaled.  He came into my life to fill an empty space that has now been filled with chaos, noise, eagerness, tolerance, love, and a thirst that has been quenched for something that had been missing. No it has not been easy, but it proved to me that two creatures on this earth just might have been meant to cross paths.  He desperately needed love and a home, as it was his last chance. And I, well I needed life brought to me.  I needed to be reminded to rejoice in the little things and to enjoy and live a balanced life and to play a little every day. And ultimately and finally I figured out "that the main reason to be alive is to enjoy it."

Bless you little man!  You don't have to ever fear again...you are loved.

 

THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE

I find this refreshing and enlightening and ultimately sad all at the same time.  I hope it brings you something to think about.

We have bigger houses, but smaller families

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense;

more knowledge, but less judgments;

more experts, but more problems

more medicines, but less healthiness.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

but have trouble

crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We build more computers to hold more information,

to produce more copies than ever,

but have less communication.

We have become long on quantity,

but short on quality.

These are times of fast foods, but slow digestion;

tall man, but short character;

steep profits, but shallow relationship.

It is a time when there is much in the window,

but nothing in the room.

 

~H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama

 

WHERE DOES YOUR HEART OVERRULE YOUR HEAD?

I picked up a tiny little book to give to a friend years ago. For some reason, I felt I needed a copy.  Now I know why. It is called "How to Live on an Island" by Sandy Gingras.  I find peace in it and words I need to be reminded of ever so often, not often enough.

 

From the back cover: "We often need "How To" books to remind us of what we already know.  Maybe that's why we need islands too..to remember ourselves. To remember how tenuous and miraculous we are...how we're out-to-sea, surrounded by horizons and how we're, at once, fragile and possible."

 

Many times in our lives we need an island, perhaps as a foothold among the chaos. For me, I can think there...breathe there...forget all the mounds of unimportant fluff that surrounds me on a daily basis.  I can sift out those things that truly don't matter and focus on what does. As Gingras says, "It almost convinces me that there is such a place as the present."

 

An island is where you can have a change of heart. Each day off the island begins pretty much the same, but on the island 'the morning crackles like a never turned page.'

 

It is here we get second chances at ourselves and a place where we remember the fine art of doing nothing!! Finding simplicity once again while remembering how to breathe, and that the only focus should be cultivating quiet.

 

And finally as Gingras says, "on an island you can build castles and leave them for the moon to find."  It is on an island you can find all the treasures you all too often miss in the chaos that is your life.

A SIMPLE PROMISE OF CONNECTION

"I'll cry with you,"
she whispered
"until we run out of tears.
Even if it's forever.
We'll do it together."

There it was . . . a simple
promise of connection.

The loving alliance of
grief and hope that
blesses both our breaking
apart and our coming
together again.

 

~Molly Fumia, Safe Passage

 

 

 

There are those times when a simple promise of connection makes this journey bearable when you need someone by your side the most.  Just to hear the words "You know my heart is with you today" when you are facing the unknown and the frightening, suddenly changes everything. Your heart stops speeding and suddenly you realize you aren't alone after all. A simple promise of connection. 

 

This morning I went to an early, early doctor's appointment to get the results of multiple tests.  I slept fitfully and felt like I was tumbling and didn't know how to stop this feeling.  I got in the car and drove through rush hour traffic and arrived a bit early.  I sat on a bench outside the office building to inhale the morning air.  Across from me sat a young father and his precious toddler.  She was dressed in a pink dress with little white flowers edged in white eyelet lace and wore white sandals.  Her hair was light golden and hung on her shoulders and blew gently in the breeze.  She was mesmerized by something on the window next to the door leading into the medical building complex.  She would bend and stoop and look and slowly tip toe closer and closer until her forehead almost touched the window. For her, the entire world and her being was transfixed on whatever it was that held her attention so closely. It was then her father stood up and said, "Okay, let's go."  I could tell instantly that whatever had transfixed her did so with a pull that left her feeling she most definitely did not want to leave.

Her father headed to the car and called once again for her to come.  She turned to go and then turned back around. Then I saw it.  I saw what had captured her attention.  One single whirling, twirling, iridescent, silky seed pod from a willow tree. The gentle breeze kept it moving and dancing. The little girl walked away from it and then stopped in her tracks, turned to see it once more.  It was then that she lifted her right hand and waved goodbye to it.  No one else saw this, nor cared. But for me...my heart stopped. I felt that moment and the innocence of it with such an intensity that I wanted to cry.  I wanted to capture that scene and the little seed dancing, bringing to life a single breathtaking second and never ever forget it.

 

Perhaps that little girl was me.  Or perhaps I wanted her to be me.  And for that moment in time, I felt her joy, her breathtaking imagination and delight in seeing this one little white feathery seed float with such grace and beauty.  I too wanted to wave goodbye for fear I never would feel that way again, this loving alliance of grief and hope. A simple promise of connection! A moment that for that moment made all else disappear. 

 

 

WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART

 

 

 

Absolutely the greatest lesson I have learned in my life! Why is this?  Any answers?

 

It hurts to the core and there must be an answer. For me, hurt leads to depression and ultimately panic attacks. I am knee deep in both.  Struggling out of the hole and trying to get a breath of air is sometimes all I can accomplish in a day.

 

A friend just wrote me a text that said, "I think we are picking up other people's energy and then trying to process it as our own." I'll bite, but how do we not?

 

And honestly at this age and stage, I don't know any other way to be.  I always thought these attributes were my gifts back to the world.  They came from my heart, and they restored my soul. I have indeed given too much, trusted way too much, helped others my entire life, and loved too much to the point of extreme pain and crippling fatigue. If these attributes are indeed in my heart and soul, then my simple response is why.  Why am I the one always to be hurt the most, while they go merrily on their way?

 

I have had no ego, no plan, no agenda.  It isn't now, nor has it ever been, all about me. Helping, giving, loving, and trusting has depleted my emotional energy.  The framework of my life seems to be crumbling. I hang by a thread onto my writing and my precious dogs. My friends call every morning or periodically throughout the day and ask how I am.  Today I said 'please ask me anything but don't ask me how I am.'  For if I were to tell them I couldn't stand the pain.

 

I need a safe place for healing, overcoming horrible pain.  I need to find my way out of the proverbial tunnel. My dreams have been shattered repeatedly, so I no longer dream. 

 

How can I not care, love, trust and give?  I need answers. I have a good heart yes, but my good heart is repeatedly broken.