Monday, June 10, 2013


Absolutely the greatest lesson I have learned in my life! Why is this?  Any answers?
It hurts to the core and there must be an answer. For me, hurt leads to depression and ultimately panic attacks. I am knee deep in both.  Struggling out of the hole and trying to get a breath of air is sometimes all I can accomplish in a day.
A friend just wrote me a text that said, "I think we are picking up other people's energy and then trying to process it as our own." I'll bite, but how do we not?
And honestly at this age and stage, I don't know any other way to be.  I always thought these attributes were my gifts back to the world.  They came from my heart, and they restored my soul. I have indeed given too much, trusted way too much, helped others my entire life, and loved too much to the point of extreme pain and crippling fatigue. If these attributes are indeed in my heart and soul, then my simple response is why.  Why am I the one always to be hurt the most, while they go merrily on their way?
I have had no ego, no plan, no agenda.  It isn't now, nor has it ever been, all about me. Helping, giving, loving, and trusting has depleted my emotional energy.  The framework of my life seems to be crumbling. I hang by a thread onto my writing and my precious dogs. My friends call every morning or periodically throughout the day and ask how I am.  Today I said 'please ask me anything but don't ask me how I am.'  For if I were to tell them I couldn't stand the pain.
I need a safe place for healing, overcoming horrible pain.  I need to find my way out of the proverbial tunnel. My dreams have been shattered repeatedly, so I no longer dream. 
How can I not care, love, trust and give?  I need answers. I have a good heart yes, but my good heart is repeatedly broken.

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