PRISON DOORS

I found a thought provoking quote on the internet by Rabbi Aryeh, "Every man is in a prison of his own self.  He cannot leave by going out of the house, but only by passing through the door of the heart."

Sometimes you have to open your heart and allow someone in.   Sometimes we stare at the closed door so long, we lose track of the fact that life lies just beyond.

How many times do we find ourselves imprisoned in our own bodies?  We lock ourselves away with self-absorption and blindness trapped in a Ferris wheel spinning round and round and never getting anywhere.  Once in a while the ride stops and we step off to see what it feels like and then run back to our prison instead of 'passing through the door of our heart.'  People who do this just can't imagine what life would be like outside, they feel safer trapped inside.

I wonder if there is such a thing as 'imagination deficit disorder?" 

Those around them  - spouses, friends, family become their enablers keeping them captive for their own self centered needs. What a sad, weak and feeble existence this must be.

I say this with some authority because I have been there.  Suffering for a year with agoraphobia was horrific.  But I took one step and then another step and with each step I found myself closer to opening the door to life.  A life that wasn't controlled by fear and anxiety or others, but solely by me. There was an exuberating liberation that occured and a sweet freedom that came from shedding my fears and tears and my habit of deception and facing the realization that I am who I am, and if others don't accept that - that is their problem not mine.

A friend reacquainted me with this yesterday.  He is an honest good man with no frills attached.  He comes with no labels, no restrictions, no baggage, no hidden agenda.  He can be trusted.  And this trust begets trust and honesty from me. He too, like the rest of us,  faces the messiness of life, but he faces it with integrity, candor, openness and sincerity, and the belief that it will all work out - in time!  It is refreshing (no it is a gift,) to find a person that you instantly feel a connection to and find they feel the same.  A friendship develops and in that place and space you feel comfortable, relaxed and feel an enormous burden lifted, as you find that the greatest gift he has given you is the realization that there is nothing more wretched, dismal, and pitiable in the world than a person who is all wrapped up in himself.

As Lin Yutang says, "The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials."  Perhaps we need to examine our lives and see who or what might just be nonessential.

I just received a phone call from a spouse of a returning soldier with severe PTSD.  She was desperate and needed help.  He has locked himself away in the apartment and won't come out. He is but one of thousands.  He is terrified all of the time. Hyper vigilance, nightmares, flashbacks are his way of life.  I understand, at least to a small degree.  As I offered multiple avenues of support, I realized that ultimately he is going to have to help himself get the assistance he needs to unlock the doors of his prison. His door is closed but his wife is holding the key to open it.  With her love and help he just might make it out of his prison.  The road to health and happiness can often be found in the quiet kindness of another.

None of us have to let history define us or happen to us or invest ourselves in it. We are for the most part free to change.  And there are those patiently waiting to help us, if only we can extend our hands.  And sometimes extending our hands and saying "yes" is the wisest most honest thing we can do for ourselves and for those we love.

For if we are asked, "Are you sure?"  And we respond, "Yes," most excellent things will begin to happen.  And that prison door we have hidden behind for so long opens and there is a garden of beauty far beyond our expectations.  Being guarded and afraid and full of anxiety and self service gets us no where.  Saying 'yes' to those people who you know you can trust can ultimately mean everything. For in saying yes to opening the door, we are saying 'yes' to life and love and all things beautiful and enduring.

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"Some guard their supply of love, doling it out in portions.  But this kind of thinking works with money, not with love.  With money, the more you hoard, the richer you become.  But with love, the more you spend, the richer you become."

Richard A. Swenson, M.D.

ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME

Isn't it about time someone saves your life? 

People come into our lives for a season and for a reason.  Sometimes they creep in slowly barely noticed, and then sometimes they come in on the wings of eagles, announcing their arrival with great fanfare.  Most of the time, if we are so inclined to analyze it, they are here for a purpose.  The purpose most likely will not be realized immediately and perhaps not for a very long while.  But I can pretty much guarantee you that they are here to teach us something and just as likely, to teach themselves something as well.

I thought about this a great deal yesterday and didn't have an answer. Today I still don't.  In my quest for answers, I never moved beyond a whisper and a smile.

We have agendas.  We know what we think we need, where we are going,  and then something or someone enters our lives, and not so surprisingly, we get off kilter.  What was important suddenly isn't.  What was vital can wait.  What can't wait does anyway.

Cherie Carter Scott, hits the nail on the head, "All the answers you are looking for are already within your grasp; all you need to do is look inside, listen, and trust yourself.  There is no outside source of wisdom that can give you the answers to any of our innermost questions; you alone are your wisest teacher.  Deep inside, you already know all you need to know."

I have a dear friend that I feel knows my heart.  When I am muddled and confused and have no answers, I always tell her 'I know eggs!"  Eggs are simple, uncomplicated, and you can understand them. They don't burden us with mysteries, questions or intrigue. 

But consider for a moment that maybe all of the fun is found in the unknown, in the not knowing, or not having to know all of the answers.  Maybe this is where we find life and where we are supposed to be.

"Our lives are like an exploding sky rocket - the kind you might use in a 4th of July nighttime fireworks display.  Inside the rocket are elements that burst into brilliant, cascading colors, illumninating the darkness, attracting the 'oohs' and 'ahs' of people.  Like the rocket, you have something inside you, that's there to get out, to explode."

Cy Eberhart, American Clergyman

I guess when it comes down to it, if we go with what makes us 'tick' we'll be okay.  We have all had moments when we feel wordlessly connected to something or someone, with no real explanation.  Sometimes that connection can be found in a sunset, the moon, the caress of a breeze, the eyes of someone you love.  It is then that we inexplicably know we are exactly where we are supposed to be and that in this place and time life is complete.

"What is life?  It is the flash of a firefly in the night.  It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.  It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset."

Crowfoot, Canadian Indian

I guess what I am saying is that when we are given a gift, it is our obligation to open it, cherish it, and hold it closely for as long as it is ours.  These beautiful moments can be missed, if we don't pay attention.  They give us a chance to look at the stars and  decide, deep down inside, that it is just about time someone saves our lives.

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"I've read the last page of the Bible.  It's going to turn out all right."

Billy Graham

"Each person on this planet is inherently, intrinsically capable of attaining "dizzying heights" of happiness and fullfillment."

Wayne Dyer

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ADVERSITY

Adversity strengthens.  It creates empathy and compassion for the adversity and misfortune of others. Until we have suffered, until we have been hurt, crushed to the core, we truly can't have compassion or empathy or caring or even love for someone else.

I guess you could say then that adversity educates us. It builds character.

Last night on the phone I talked with a friend. He and I talked about horses. When I was quite young I was intrigued by my uncle's Tennessee Walking Horses.  I relentlously begged and begged to ride one.  I wanted to be perched on this gorgeous creature and feel the rhythmic prancing race through me.  Tennessee Walkers are gentle and comfortable riding horses, originally bred in the Southern United States to carry the owners of plantations around their land with a smooth gait and easy temper. I wanted to experience this sensation, much to the dismay of my mother who was afraid I might soil my clothes or not be feminine or some such nonsense.

One summer day keeping it from my mother, my uncle lifted me onto one of his 'gentler' horses. I felt on top of the world, as if there was nothing in the world I couldn't do. The horse took off and, with no guidance whatsoever, I let the horse take over.  Well take over he did.  Soon I was dangling from the stirrup by my ankle. It happened so quickly that I had no time to react.  My uncle stopped the horse and being a physician examined me.  Finding nothing broken, except perhaps my desire to ever ride another horse, he made me get back on the horse and do just that.  I was terrified.  My spirit broken and my dreams of being an equestrian crumbled.  But I knew that one did not ever tell my uncle 'no.' I was more fearful of him than the horse. So back up I went.  I whispered to the horse that I was scared. Something inside him must have understood.  He was gentle and his gait slowed, and I was proud.  I had mastered my fear, as he began the 'running walk' the breed is so famous for and showed his calm disposition. I had fallen in love.

I shared with my friend another time, riding a horse high in the mountains of Colorado on an early morning trail ride to a campsite for breakfast through meadows of early Spring wildflowers close to timberline.  The trail was narrow, and it seemed clear to me that the horse was wider than the trail.  It had snowed the night before and the trail was slick on the rocky embankment.  I remember the feeling, as the horse tripped now and then on the snow and icy rocks.  My heart was in my throat; again I had to trust.  Trust the horse, this muscular beautiful palamino, to get me to my destination.  My friend understood my fear, and he told me I should have looked straight ahead, instead of down the cliff.

Looking straight ahead!  That was the answer then and perhaps that is the answer always.  Look toward your goal, not toward the 'what if's' that can side-track you, cripple you with fear, break your spirit, and demolish your dreams and keep you from living in total constant amazement. 

If you slip, look straight ahead.  If you fall, look straight ahead.  If you falter, hold onto the reigns and keep on going with faith. 

This is what can make us or break us.  This is what separates us from those who go crawling back into the safety net of their comfort zone, into status quo, into nothingness.  This is what makes it difficult for them to ever be happy, or satisfied, or complete. This is what causes them to tiptoe out once in a while to find the spirit and love that is so missing in their lives.  This is what cripples them - this inaction and paralyzing inability to live life. 

We all have our battered periods when we tumble or are afraid we might.  Afraid to get back on the horse for fear of falling.  Of course falling hurts, but not getting back on the horse hurts more.  Sometimes the best and only thing we can do is surrender and ask for help if we need it.  Help to get back on the horse and feel the wind in our hair and the courage, exuberance, excitement, and unexpected inner strength we have been so lacking.

No fall is without meaning!  Perhaps 'angels' appear in our lives to help us get back on that horse and offer us a spiritual email that life lies waiting and is there for the taking. Those whose lives and spirits are buried, perhaps simply need to face their fear and tell compassionate, empathetic people exactly how hurt they really are and admit they need help to heal.  This is a first step.

And within this first step they find that allowing themselves to be willing to listen for that external help, and to accept it in the forms they don't often expect, they are required to act.  And just maybe they will find they are in control alot more than they think. 

If your tender dreams have been abused, don't refuse to be vulnerable again, don't refuse to get back on the horse, for if you do, you have turned down life and beauty and laughter and love and all the wonders life has to share.  All too often people don't even try, fearing more damage to their broken hearts.  They become frightened by the constant whispers in their dead dreams.

Part of life is getting thrown off of the horse. But we can't let that throw us.  We must grow, we must learn, we must take the extraordinary gifts life hands us and not throw them away because we are afraid.  Feel the wind in your hair and on your face and feel it as it cleanses your soul and you feel alive.  Live past the adversity.

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"Great minds have purposes; others have wishes."
- Washington Irving

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PORTALS

"There are angels whose job it is to cause you problems, so you don't fall asleep and miss your life." 

This powerful 'author unknown' quote came to me in an email this morning from another therapy dog addict!  I read it and re-read it and came to the conclusion that perhaps - just perhaps - the portal to life is in the bad times. 

Defined as a 'doorway, entrance, or gate, especially one that is large and imposing,' a portal is something we have the choice of walking through or not.  Not always knowing what is on the other side requires we take a risk.  But I know for a fact that not taking the risk is 100% more risky.  For it is in going through the portal that we find life - the real life we are meant to enjoy. And not going  through that doorway leaves us stuck in quicksand, struggling, and wanting to escape but unable to because of our self imposed restrictive fear. It has taken me a long time to realize this.  Which doesn't mean that when I face a door or gate that beckons me through that I am not afraid.  I am, but I go through it anyway. 

I have been ill for a week. Grumbling, grumpy, and just plain sick of it.  Why?  Because it is a waste of my time.  I have things to do, places to be, appointments that need to be kept.  I am important.  And without my attending to these most important things life will stop.  Or will it?  Analyze that statement and then answer this question, "If I were to die tomorrow what would happen?"  Okay the answer is clear. Life would go on.  The world does not turn because I am alive, no more than it does for you.  So I am taking my time healing, still a little grumpy but getting the message.

This has shown me those that care for me and are here for me in the worst of times and the best of times.  Not the me that works 24 hours a day, but for the real me.  And I have learned to forgive those who aren't here for me and love them anyway.  For they too are drenched in their own bad times and struggling to get through their own portals.

New growth on branches and spring flowers seems to emerge a tiny bit at a time from slumber.  It appears as if  they peak their noses out to test the temperature.  Is it safe to come out?  Is it time?  Is it reverie? Is it time for daydreaming? Is it time to go through the portal?

Veronique Vienne in The Art of the Moment says, "It's like singing in the shower (without getting wet), doodling (without a pad or pencil), and dancing (without moving your feet).  Reverie is what happens when you stop thinking logically and start associating freely."  So today stop thinking logically and think what your life could be like if you opened yourself to life and walk through the door - the gate.  Even if you have to do it as our spring flowers are doing, a tiny bit at a time.

 You will have opened yourself to life - all you have to do is relax, let go and go with the flow.  Reclaim your life the one and only one you have been given.  Aren't you worth it?

So on this Easter Sunday make promise, a prayer, to not fall asleep and miss your life and the pleasure of simply being alive. Offer your heart to life and love in a moment free from need and want. Become lost in life. Do not recoil. The greatest gift you can give to yourself is to accept each second of your life unconditionally and know that passing through the portal will bring you the life you deserve.

Have a blessed Easter.

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THE PARADOX OF OUR AGE

                                                                        

                                                                        

We have bigger houses, but smaller families  

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees, but less sense;

more knowledge, but less judgments;

more experts, but more problems;

more medicines, but less healthiness.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

but have trouble

crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We build more computers to hold more information,

to produce more copies than ever,

but have less communication.

We have become long on quantity,

but short on quality.

These are times of fast foods, but slow digestion;

tall man, but short character;

steep profits, but shallow relationships.

It is a time when there is much in the window,

but nothing in the room.

~ H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama

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The husband of a good friend wrote the following regarding Penny's from Heaven Foundation's  work with our 'warriors with wounds!'  It is profound and profitable.  Please take a moment this special Easter weekend and remember our men and women that are in harm's way so that we may worship as we choose and live free in the most extraordinary country on earth.

"What is your price for freedom in the United States?  A hand? A foot? An arm? Or a leg?  Perhaps a mother's son or a father's daughter? Or a child's parent.

Some wounds are easy to see, but what about the ones you don't see or notice!  Like expressionless faces, wandering minds, anxiety attacks, loneliness, or withdrawn. 

When you can't find a listening ear or a non judgmental entity, there is ALWAYS man's best friend, the dog.

By your side through thick or thin, wealth or lack thereof, but always with a smile and wagging tail for just a pat on the head.  Not bad for a non-college educated,

'what's in it for me', I just want to be by your side kind of companion. 

"Maybe he doesn't see me because he's locked up inside, but if I sit here by his side and just wait...just maybe that person in there might come out and play with me or just pat my head."

Animals, human's most loyal companions, will lay down their lives just for a pat on the head or a rub of their coat.  Just to have known a human like you. 

So if you are in there, come out whenever you are ready, because I am sitting and waiting...."

Author- A Friend of Penny's From Heaven Foundation, Inc.

God Bless each of you this Easter weekend and God bless our military all over the world!

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THE DOOR

The first week I thought it was allergies.  The first day of the second week I battled with it.  The second day of the second week I succumed, went through the door, and stayed in bed all day. 

I slept and then slept some more.  I read an extraordinarily moving and insightful New York Times bestseller (the Art of Racing in the Rain/Garth Stein) and slept again. 

One friend brought me groceries, one brought lunch, and one ice cream, and another picked up my medicine and brought cough drops - bags and bags of cough drops. 

You see I sometimes feel guilty, if I enjoy anything.  Not that I enjoy being sick mind you, but I am beginning to treasure the rest.  I do know a couple of people who feel guilty if they enjoy anything.  They start to enjoy something and stop dead in their tracks when they realize it.  This is a true self esteem issue.  'I don't deserve to feel good, I don't deserve to have fun, I don't deserve to feel love.'  But I digress. This is their problem not mine.

It isn't so much that I feel guilty as that this is what defines me, my work, my passion, my mission.  These things are why I am on this earth!  And yes, I work too hard, too many hours and rarely play.  What I do is by choice and rarely is my life balanced and most of the time a long way from it. 

And perhaps sometimes when we aren't balanced, what props might remain under us, get knocked out.  I am learning the lesson I share with my soldiers - it takes time. Or so I thought I had learned that lesson until I called the doctor and told the PA I needed 'a deadline.'  I needed the day and the time when I would feel better.  She laughed and simply said, "It has to run its course."

Sometimes we balance, sometimes we don't.  There is no magic formula.  There is no specific date and time to arrive through that door.  Sometimes we break and have to heal, and it will take just as long as it takes.

Hearts break, lives break, and we break, and healing will take take as long as it takes.  Even for those of us who are overly goal oriented.  Or just perhaps, especially for those of us who are goal oriented.

The piles of paper on my desk are growing voluminously - tasks uncompleted and deadlines missed.  So my wanting a formula for passage from this place to the next place through a magic door will happen when it happens.

I missed the point.  I need to be here, right here, right now.  I need to heal.  I need to allow myself this time and be grateful for my angels depositing food on my porch.  And grateful for my own pet therapists surrounding me with their love and their special kind of therapy, watching me, snuggling me close and waiting with me.

So now I start a new book and sleep some more and wait for the next door to open. 

But I am running out of kleenex if anyone drives by my house!

What I have learned is first and foremost I am blessed for my friends. The ones who are here when I need them the most.  The ones who care how I feel, not for what I do. The ones who love me and show it. And I have learned that what is truly important in this life takes time, and patience, and great love.

Kelsie is here at my desk with her warm head resting on my leg - a reminder it is time to get back to the business of healing.

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"I know this much about racing in the rain.  I know it is about balance.  It is about anticipation and patience....but it is also about the mind!  It is about owning one's own body...it is about believing that you are not you; you are everything.  And everything is you."

The Art of Racing in the Rain - Garth Stein

DANCING WITH ANGELS

This life is so fragile.  And sometimes we are turned sideways on our journey.  Time moves on.  The moment passes and things change.  We are all full of hopes and regrets.  This day I am full of both.

"Full of thought, regret, hope dashed or not dashed yet,

full of memory, pride and more than enough

of spilled, personal grief,

I begin another page, another poem.

So many notions fill the day!  I give them

gowns of words, sometimes I give them

little shoes that rhyme.

What an elite life!

While somewhere someone is kissing a face that is crying.

While somewhere women are walking out, at two in the morning -

many miles to find water.

While somewhere a bomb is getting ready to explode.

~Mary Oliver ~

 This Day and Probably Tomorrow Also

Red Bird

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So life is a journey.  We agree on that right? Then do you agree that just every once in a while, when you least expect it, something amazing happens?

One of my favorite quotes is from a book by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman, Live like you were Dying.

"Sometimes all you have to do is show up and have a little faith that something completely amazing is possible any day. And you are no more in control than a feather is of the wind.  All you know is that the force moving you is so strong that you just hang on in wonder.  There is nothing but the moment and the sense of dancing with angels."

I know that most of you, if you really stopped to think about it, have those dreams tucked away somewhere deep inside.  The ones you don't share with anyone,  the dreams you feel are frivolous or too crazy or feel are too late. "Stuff" stands in your way of realizing your dreams, but mostly YOU stand in the way of what you desire.  You need but take but a single step.  This just might be a step that transports you from a mundane status quo existence to a place where you give your dreams substance and essence and life.

Nichols and Wiseman say, "Go! Just GO! No stopping and looking back.  No what-ifs. Just GO!  There are no mistakes except inaction. GO!  You're scared to do this?  I'm scared you won't do it. Go, even if it's in the completely wrong direction at first. Say your prayers and GO!"

Perhaps this Easter week could be the beginning of your happy ending. 

Who knows - you might just find yourself dancing with angels.

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