Wednesday, October 2, 2013


I offer these words from a posting by a facebook friend regarding her dog.  "Bonnie makes the world bearable, even when it's not."
Today these words seem especially poignant and true.
Our dogs lift us up above the unbearable. For all of us the way we grieve, the way we live, is a personal thing.  We can grieve for lost things, people, pets, life,  dreams, friends, any myriad of things that we have at one time or another treasured and loved and believed.

Our feelings and dreams are so much a part of what it is to be human.  The trouble with dreams is that they sometimes, often times, never come true.  But we live hoping that sometimes they just might. But when the world is unbearable, we sometimes stay in an isolated place where no one can hurt us.  For me personally the answer that I find difficult to verbalize to those that care about me is that "I wish I could give you a part of me, but that is not something I have in my possession right now." 

I have spent much of my life in mental pain.  So much so at times I don't remember what it is like to be dance, to feel the absence of pain, to not be hurt by others.  Maybe the answer lies in unlearning pain. It has been suggested that I stop doing everything and just 'be'.  This is alien territory for me.  How do I sit and just 'be'?  How do I explain this to those I care most about without hurting their feelings?

I have helped others my entire life.  Those that were sick, mistreated, injured, abused, dying so that I could feel some sense of worth and in relieving some of their pain, I relieved some of mine. For you see, others diminished my self worth every minute of every day.  Now there are times when I am depleted to the core. Times when I have nothing else to give. 
I have become a warrior myself.  A warrior to get my life back after many decades of manipulation, control and heartbreak.  This isn't easy.  But I am taking one step at a time to achieve this before it is too late.  I want to experience it, feel it, taste it, have it cover me like a warm soft blanket.  Then I look around me at four dogs peacefully sleeping and I realize that they are the prime example.  They are quite simply content, quietly and peacefully watching me for the slightest movement, the slightest engagement I might have with the world. 
"I love you ~ I am at rest with you ~ I have come home."
~Dorothy Sayers
"Did you know the people that are usually the strongest are usually the most sensitive?  Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated?  Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it most? Did you know the three hardest thing to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and help me." ~Unknown
"The essential message of unconditional love is one of liberation.  You can be whoever you are, express all your thoughts and feelings with absolute confidence.  You do not have to be fearful that love will be taken away.
You will not be punished for your openness or honesty.  There is no admission price to my love, no rental fees or installment payments to be made.  There may be days when disagreements and disturbing emotions may come between us.  There may be times when psychological or physical miles may lie between us.  But I have give you the word of my commitment.  I have set my life on a course.  I will not go back on my word to you.  So feel free to be yourself, to tell me of your negative and positive reactions of your warm and cold feelings.  I cannot always predict my reactions or guarantee my strength, but one thing I do know and I do want you to know:  I will not reject you!" 
~FR. John Powell, Unconditional Love
This is how I feel about my dogs and they about me. When the world comes tumbling down, I need only to look to my dogs to stabilize me and bring me home once again. These words above are so full of beauty and hope. This is what I want to feel.


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