Thursday, June 9, 2011
Where does this thing called patience come from? Is it a learned trait, or do some of us just come equipped with it? If that's the case, it was somehow omitted from my genes.
“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” ~ Anonymous
The heat laden days of June don't make my patience come any easier. How do any of us get past feeling tired, beat up, exhausted, depleted, and empty? How do I get past the intense feeling of a need that can't seem to be met? Is there a place where we can say, "Yes, I am patient", or is it a process, the end of which we never reach or do we?
In my case, this could be the result of the past three weeks and two surgeries. But the sense that this feeling has somehow intensified, once recovery mode has set in, is disarming. Is there a time when we know that it is time? Is there a word or event that let's us know? How do we know for sure?
I think the tumultous past few months have physically, and yes mentally, taken their toll. There is a disquieting feeling that I want to run. Run fast, run away. But the box of cookies, comfort food, on my nightstand when I awoke this morning indicated that this might be a difficult task.
So my question for today is do we look for obstacles rather than magic? I guess like everyone else I say "I am fine" when I am not. I say "nothings wrong" when I seethe with hurt. This is a fearsome thing...the anesthetizing of the human soul.
Perhaps I have had too much time to think lately. Too much time to feel the pain of others and to feel my pain. Two nights ago I could not sleep. I kept waking up just to make certain I was alive, not feeling pain. It was an odd sensation. Pain makes me angry. The absense of pain makes me suspect.
A friend wrote me some time ago about the little Pockets of Peace books I wrote, "These Pockets of Peace are sometimes the only sunshine we see some days. How wonderful to be so certain of your life's mission." I wanted to write her back and tell her that with that certainty comes a sometimes unbearable pricetag. But I simply said, 'thank you.'
Is it all about endurance. I see how much it takes for even the strongest to just live their lives. It is a struggle, oftentimes day to day, hour to hour and yes minute to minute. To me these are our quiet heroes.
Analyzing my life during the past four months, I have come to realize that I was seriously close to burn out. Perhaps this 'time out' was in the master plan. Perhaps I was forced to sit, or rather lie still, to find me again. For so long I have focused on everyone but me, that exhaustion was inevitable. My passion is still there but greatly subdued. There are things I have not done and quite literally and desperately need to do. But where do I store my allegiance to others, to the cause, to my warriors? But my needs now go far beyond this. My needs that have been put on a shelf, as I suppose many of yours have as well, waiting. Waiting for what? The right time, the right man, the kids to get through school, the lottery, the bills are paid. Waiting for what?
The only thing, the one thing that remains a constant in my life, the one thing I understand, still sits in reverent devotion at my feet. My dogs. If they only knew how important they are to me and how needed and how they are the only things that ask nothing of me and yet give everything. If only they knew.
So today I ask myself, what door do I walk through? Where do I go from here? Where can I find a moments peace?