Wednesday, June 15, 2011



 ~Lewis B. Smedes 

The doctors and psychologists tell me that this malaise and depression is normal.  That after two surgeries in three weeks it will most likely take me a minimum of 90 days to recover from the anesthesia.  Okay great!  This makes my day.

So what to do! I have been thinking about my story and what it is.  I have been thinking about our wounded warriors who face multiple surgeries and years of recovery, if indeed recovery is possible.  I have been thinking about people who have no one to share their story with.  And if they do have someone, does that someone really listen...really hear...are they really present? Or as you attempt to talk to them their cell phone wins once again.

As Smedes says, "It is commitment, not blood, that creates the family." Okay this I get. I can count the friends I have on one hand.  Those that I carry my burdens to that hear me, listen, understand and love me despite my shortcomings.  But once in a while it is a complete stranger, or someone you barely know, who puts life into perspective that allows you to become aware of who you are and what your needs are and more importantly what your needs aren't.  What is right from wrong.  What is in your best interest may not be what you thought.

Is there someone in your life that you consistently pour your deepest troubles to and they ignore you?  Are you left dangling deeply hurt, only to try again to gain their attention?  Does it sometimes  become like a video tape in your mind that keeps on playing and playing.  Does it become something that you can't stand to watch and yet can't turn it off. 

Bitter memories take over and we feel like we are suffocating. If only someone would listen. With me the lump in my throat comes with tears attached.  And then I realize that only I can write the ending. So today the fight through the malaise and depression begins yet again.  This morning I did not want to get out of bed.  Why bother...just another day of endless phone calls and paperwork.  But Kelsie wouldn't stand for it.  A cold nose under the covers was indefatigable in its pursuit of getting me out of bed.  I tried explaining to her that I had only slept about 2 1/2 hours and really needed a bit more.  But to no avail. It was dog food time!

So today what is my story? I realize that only I am the author and the main character.  I am here on this earth to write my story and live my life with integrity and honesty and as Smedes says, "...a real story about a real person who somehow stays in one piece, inside and out, all the way to the end."  I own my story and if others choose to ignore my reaching out then so be it.  Today I will again attempt to finalize the draft of my next book, K-9's ~ The Antidote to PTSD.  I will plow through the malaise, fighting vehemently, and wrestling with the realization that if someone ignores my pleas for help perhaps the answer has been provided.

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