INSTANT GRATIFICATION

A friend sent me an email recently and asked if I was doing okay.  I wrote back and told him - "sorta, maybe, mostly, sometimes, depends....."

I have spent the past three days, seventeen hours plus, each day, in my office ripping it to shreds.  Okay, not literally perhaps, but shredding, pitching, sorting, filing, and filling jumbo trash bags with 'stuff.'  The stuff a life is made of.  Twenty years on television and radio. Twenty years of memories were relentlessly devoured by a slightly crazed woman seeking to make order out of chaos.  Successful?  Don't know yet.  Remorseful, not at all.  Satisfied - definitely.  In some perverse way it feels good, cleansing, and refreshing.

I am the kind of person who upon occasion, needs to experience instant gratification.  This happens by vacuuming, cleaning out drawers or closets, mowing the grass (if in fact I mowed grass).  Performing tasks where you can instantly see the results.  I do this when there is nothing else in my life I can control. You see I cannot operate in chaos, either mental or visual,  and definitely not in clutter.  But I need my pretties around me, my treasures, my memories.  They bring me closer to who I really am. It doesn't hurt to have Andrea Bocelli in the background.

All of this cleaning frenzy was prompted by a phone call from a potential donor, asking to come by 'our offices' for Train a Dog Save a Warrior "to see our operation."  I couldn't help but laugh. What he would have seen would have been an executive director in her pjs, sitting in the middle of piles and piles of paperwork, books, baskets, file boxes and chaos in the upstairs office of her home.  He would have either run screaming or taken enormous pity and given me a great deal of money...for a 'real' office.

Yesterday, a dear precious board member came and helped me from nine in the morning, until quite late at night.  We made progress, headway, guaranteeing the recycle facility will be a little more full of shredded paper at the close of another year.  And on the bright side, we were a little more than full of Christmas chocolates.  You see, it helped ease the pain!

Now this is a friend.  One who takes an entire day of her holiday vacation to help organize the Penny's from Heaven Foundation and TADSAW office.

It still needs help, but I am tired.  And this morning I ache, mentally and physically.  Christmas, parties, hurry scurry.  You know....the trappings of 'the season'.  Tomorrow is New Year's Eve.  I have no plans.  I have no resolutions to break. No champagne to toast a new year. And in South Texas no self respecting person can lack for black eyed peas for good luck.  I  have none.

This morning I am searching for that happy ending for 2010.  My happy endings are mostly personal and surely of little or no interest to most of you.  What I do hope is that in some small way my efforts have dried a tear, made a life a little better, or allowed a hurting soul in turmoil to know they are not alone in this thing I refer to as a dark wilderness, trapped in the silence or in the horrible roar of PTSD.

After all, when all is said and done, isn't that why we have been placed on this earth...to ease the pain of others?

I wish you love and the knowledge to put it to good use.  To wipe away a tear, to snuggle close to someone who is hurting, to listen in silence, to realize what many have sacrificed for you and me.  They may still be walking, talking, and breathing, but sacrifice they did.  They will never be the same again.  I for one an grateful. I know without a doubt that I will never be the same again for having known them.

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There is still time to contribute to our efforts to provide rescue dogs from a kill shelter for a wounded warrior with PTSD.  It will change a life, it will make a difference, it will rescue both.

Your tax deductible donation will be your parting gift to 2010!

Happy New Year to one and all.

PENNY'S FROM HEAVEN FOUNDATION

13423 BLANCO ROAD, SUITE 218

SAN ANTONIO, TX 78216