Sunday, June 9, 2013


" No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness."
Wow, am I glad to hear that.  To have it affirmed.  To know that I am not alone. I have felt at the verge of tears all day, feeling not so strong at all. I dragged myself out of bed, thinking I would feel better, but that didn't seem to work.  Then I ate three chocolate peanut butter cookies.  That didn't work either.  Some days I suppose it just has to feel like the bottom is falling out life, and that I am sinking, falling, tumbling, and dealing with madness.
The past few days have in many ways been grueling, heart wrenching, and full of sadness and madness. I have been waiting for things to be picked up, shaken out, straightened out, and stood upright, to include me. A world that is twirling and whirling around me quite literally is.  I am battling vertigo, which was made more intense after hours of tests on Friday.
Prior to the tests I received multiple emails and phone calls from friends wishing me well and telling me they loved me and cared and hoped that this vertigo and ensuing panic attacks would be able to be cleared up and if they could in any way help there were standing ready.  I received calls and notes of prayer and hope and inspiration which all warmed my heart.  All were uplifting and made me feel cherished and truly cared for. How very blessed one is to have friends who are there through thick and thin and love you dearly no matter what.  To be able to text a friend between hours of tests and receive an instant message back, made me feel not so alone and frightened.  A reaching out of love and caring.  It wasn't a pleasant bevy of tests.  Quite the contrary, they were most unpleasant. They threw me into midst of a tornado for two days.  I am somewhat recovered today.  But nonetheless that blasted lump is still in my throat. And honestly I suppose it is just part of the process of all that I have endured in the past few months. 

I opened facebook this morning to a posting by a friend, Janet, in Montana. My vision changed and pain lessened some what. "One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more days left to do what you want to do. Spend time doing things that matter, not worrying about things you can’t change. Remember, it’s all about choices."
This last week in the midst of the loving kindness from friends, I was also the recipient of words that were loud and cold and flat and deeply hurtful, hurled at me, unwarranted. and untrue.  The repercussions and pain continue like a knife blade thrust repeatedly into me. I wonder why I can't be stronger and let them pass over me like warm water.  But I am not built that way.  My heart is simply too tender. I have  repeatedly been battered and hurt.  Hurt which I am just now becoming aware that I in no way deserved. 
Often people hurt others because they hurt and to feel better they must lash out at you.  But pain is pain and the scars remain, cutting deep, embedded in your soul. So for today I will deal with the madness, by choice or not by choice, and I will be sad and weep.  For there are those that who will raise me up as I walk on the stormy seas of life and assure me that I will once again stand on a mountain and cry tears of joy. To them a heartfelt thank you as my soul, scars and all, will emerge stronger.  Just not today.

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