FINDING OURSELVES

 

 

How could we live without beauty?  How could any of us exist without gifts such as  this one?  

 

Last week I was sitting on the balcony of a beach condo at 6:45 am awaiting the sunrise accompanied by a prayer full of gratitude for the beauty I was sharing in an all too rare peaceful moment of solitude.  I clicked the shutter fast and furiously,  hoping that this one bird, a pelican, could be captured just in time, as he entered the sunrise and my life with such dignity and majesty that I could not hold back the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat. 

 

The simplicity of this photo reminded me that the simplification of outward life is not enough.  We must simplify our inner life as well. It is here where we find the well either empty or full or drying up horribly.  It is here that we dwell in peace and harmony with nature, with others, with ourselves.

 

Back at my desk, I sit with a pewter sand dollar, a cedar box with my spirit guide, the white wolf, on it as it shelters my dearest possessions, and a royal blue paperweight of of blue and white dolphins rising in crystal clear bubbles upward toward the surface.  These things center me and more importantly remind me that perhaps in our differences, we are all like this bird, flying alone with our own navigation system in varying directions.  What that direction is, is of vast importance. At least it is to me. It is a choice we all have the  gift and obligation to make. 

 

One pelican flying over the Gulf of Mexico did me in!  This one bird against the backdrop of the beginning of a new day.  This is why I journey to the beach to find myself once again.  To set aside the stress and anxiety and day to day chaos, frustration and angst. 

 

What is it that we are called upon to do, to accomplish, to complete our lives?  Who and what do we allow into our hearts and our inner lives?

 

I am at my most content in the early hours of the day.  When the earth is quiet and I can sit at my desk, surrounded by my most precious possession, my dogs, and write.  Most do not understand that.  I want no disturbances, no interruptions, no phone calls, no appointments.  I just want to write and explode my thoughts and heart onto paper. It is of no great importance that anyone read what I write, but should my words be helpful or constructive to others so much the better. It is here I find my true identity.  So many feel they are defined by what others think of them, their husbands, their wives, their friends.  But when all is said and done, isn't it who we know we are deep inside that really matters.  Whether we are right or wrong in others eyes is up to them.  It does not define us. Knowing ourselves is where we find who we are and what we need. 

 

For me I must indulge in the creative activity of writing. It is here I find who I am, and notice all too frequently the neglected me - my relationship with me. It is only by knowing who we truly are, foibles and all,  that we are able to have meaningful relationships with others. 

 

I would like nothing better than to fill my time with empty hours, where there is nothing on my calendar.  Time when I can write.  Sometimes this is possible.  Sometimes not.  But the times I am allowed the freedom to do this are the times that remind me who I am. 

 

There have been times and places and spaces in my life I am not proud of.  Times where I was definitely in the wrong place, fighting battles that I had no hope of winning.  There are times when I have had no answers to questions and no idea which way to turn.  There have been times when I have been falsely accused of many things...these times were and today remain painful.  Time can never be recovered and our destiny isn't always in our hands.  No more so than my finding the few blessed quiet hours to sit and write. But for today, for now, for these hours I will write.

 

For this one bird, flying into the sunrise, inspired me.  As each day, we are each flying into the sunrise with a mission and a purpose.  Whether or not we pay attention is up to us.