Saturday, January 25, 2014


Do you find, as do I, that every day is a tug of war?  Wanting to do one thing and needing to do another? Torn between who we are and who we want to be? And the list goes on.
I captured this photograph in Sedona, AZ a few months ago.  It intrigued me.  In the midst of such exquisite beauty here was this amazing work of art ~of just that  ~ TUG OF WAR!
Which side wins is the question and focus, but in this case nobody loses because it is fun.  However in reality, Tug of War is not always fun. 
Is it a question of doing the right and necessary thing, or taking a moment for what you really want to do~ not what you need to  accomplish or check off of your to do list!
I get tired of being the perfectionist and running into walls that prohibit my continuing what I know is the right thing to do.  As my grandma used to say, "I feel it in my bones."  You just know. I just know what is the right thing to do.  But walls, people, circumstances, get in my way and stop me. And I have felt stifled, shut off, ignored, and of no use.
So assuming we have all experienced this at one time or another what is the answer?  What do we do?  Do we continue to beat our heads into a brick wall and end up with nothing but aspirations unmet and dreams unreachable? Or do we reach for that brass ring? Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self control ~ these three alone lead to success."
I personally, over the past year, have been wrestling with a trauma I have carried unknowingly since early childhood. It hasn't been pretty, nor has it been a fun journey.  It has been grueling.  But in the process I have achieved finding a place of peace and refuge.  A place where sometimes you just have to give up and give in that which you have wanted and that which you are not allowed to achieve for one reason or another.  I have also discovered that blaming others in a pointless way to live.  Playing tug of war with them is not productive, nor is it even remotely fun. 
Friends are vital and life blood to me, for it is they who love and support me through the good times and bad.  Then there are those who all too often find it necessary to point out your areas of weakness through rejection, criticism and a lack of support. You find yourself in a place where you know you are being manipulated and there is but one thing to do ~let go of the rope.  I have learned to accept this and consider them as teachers!! They are rejecting the true me and to recognize and realize this turns the table. I realize too that my stress has been self-inflicted.
So the answer is quite simple, yet it is not. When we find ourselves in this tug of war the best thing to do is unlock the old patterns of taking it personally and let go of that recording.  And in so doing we find calm and a renewed and exceptionally valuable sense of freedom.  It is like taking that first breath at birth, crying and then begin living in a new way.
I have taken a 'time out'.  And find without a doubt that this takes a great deal of hard work. But in the end to have missed this aspect of life would have been that which would have made my life meaningless.

I now know exactly who I am...foibles and all. 
I love fine art. I love mountains and Native American culture.  I love reading and learning from what I am reading. I love seeing the look of knowing in the eyes of someone whose hand I have held through a rough spot.  I love being surrounded by my 'pack' of dogs, for they center me and bring me to a point of knowledge I otherwise would never have achieved. I love hazelnut and vanilla coffee and a day  to do with as I wish and calendar with nothing on it.  I love my friends, who are my lifeline and call to check in on me and see if I am alright.  I love photography and capturing moments of fears and tears and bliss and that time when someone appears to have reached for the brass ring and made it!  I love a clean house and order in it.  I love one of a kind designer jewelry.  I love my office where I am surrounded by treasures and memories and artifacts that are vital to my survival and memories of who I am.  I love my grandma, Nanny, up in Heaven. And I love the gentle soft snoring of four dogs surrounding me, observing me, and loving me like no one else ever has or will. 
The list goes on and is not important to anyone but me.  But I write this so that perhaps you too will let go of the rope that pulls and releases and repeats and seemingly grabs hold of that which brings you joy and peace and a sense of order in your life. Let go of that rope, and see if it doesn't bring you renewed calm in the midst of chaos.
This has been a defining moment to me.  One for which I am eternally grateful.  Unloading our baggage from too many yesterdays filled with angst and pain is a great place to begin. Our perception of situations and unresolved issues in our lives make us seek and yearn for a different way of living the remainder of it. And for me ~ this is my mission!
I know this is a great deal to digest even for me on a frigid Saturday morning. But it is a starting place where you too might find why you are in a frequent or constant TUG OF WAR! There is no Tug of War as long as you let go of the rope!!!

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