Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Talking to a friend yesterday through copious tears, I was allowed to cry.  I was allowed to be afraid.  I was allowed to say what is clogging up my heart. I was allowed to be heard and validated.  I was allowed to be honest. The conversation, over an hour and a half, was medicinal, therapeutic, and sunshine on a day I so badly needed it.  Some answers became clear, while others not so clear.

I spend a great, great deal of time listening to the problems of others, drying tears, and helping others to face their fears.  But somehow and sometimes I get lost in the shuffle.  Sometimes just saying the words to an attentive ear is all that is needed. I am still afraid, and still stifled, but for this one moment in time, I was allowed to pour out my soul....and be heard!

"When you're weary, feeling small.  When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.  I'm on your side."
~Paul Simon

As I turned on my computer early one morning a few days ago, about 2:30 am, I found a 'pocket of peace', seemingly written just for me. "Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do.  It's a decision about who you are."  It hit me head on.  I read it and reread it. That is where I have been going wrong, thinking wrong, reacting wrong.  It suddenly seemed easy.  It was clear.  So wanting to sit in a bucket of water, with no one else around, is who I am some of the time.  Many don't 'get' this or want to get this.  So be it!  It is the only way to remind myself of who I am. It is the only way I can think, solve things, salvage things, arrange things, obliterate things, change things, resolve things, refresh and remember who I am.

I feel fairly certain that most of us do what we do to please other people.  We say yes when we really mean no.  We say everything is fine and it isn't.  We ask people how they are and really don't care.  We try to sweep ourselves under the carpet and not cause waves.  Everything will be fine if I just keep my mouth shut.  If I avoid the situation or the dilemma, everything will be fine. If I ignore it, it will go away.  Doesn't work that way does it?  In fact it diminishes who we are as individuals and increases everyone else's hold on us.

None of us are too big for a little cuddling!  A little hand holding when things are rough.  Compassion fatigue is my middle name now, today and yesterday. Tomorrow I am not so sure.  But I will know.  I also know that I will feel better for remembering that I too matter.  That I said no.  That I set a boundary.  That I remembered to take care of me too.

I will find joy returned at some point.  I will make the most of every sense I have.  I will smell the aroma of life once again. Moving at warp speed has got to stop...at least for me.  No more saving things, places, people  for a special occasion.  Every day we are alive is a special occasion.  The sunset, the full Harvest Moon, my dog's head on my foot as I write this morning, the first sip of French Roast coffee before sunrise, the fragrance of a clean house, the satisfaction of finding  that life truly is in the details.

How can you celebrate the life you have...the one life?  Today be aware of what your heart notices~

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