THE OLD LIFE HAUNTS THE NEW

• WRITTEN BY MY FAVORITE POET ~~~MARY OLIVER
• 
  
• BENJAMIN, WHO CAME FROM WHO KNOWS WHERE

***

WHAT SHALL I DO?

WHEN I PICK UP THE BROOM

HE LEAVES THE ROOM.

WHEN I FUSS WITH KINDLING HE

RUNS FOR THE YARD.

THEN HE'S BACK, AND WE HUG FOR A LONG TIME.

IN HIS LOW-TO-THE GROUND CHEST

I CAN HEAR HIS HEART SLOWING DOWN.
THEN I RUB HIS SHOULDERS AND KISS HIS FEET

AND FONDLE HIS LONG HOUND EARS.

BENNY, I SAY,

DON'T WORRY.  I ALSO KNOW THE WAY

THE OLD LIFE HAUNTS THE NEW.

WORLD MEANS THE WORLD TO YOU

 WHAT DOES THE WORLD MEAN TO YOU

There is a powerful saying in the world of writing, "If you can't feel it you can't write it."

I agree 100%. Recently, I have heard from people telling me how my 'words' in book GRACIE LOVE IS BLIND have changed and inspired  their lives. This is a tremendous responsibility and obligation. One that I accept with humility, gratitude, and pride.

Point one is to realize, understand and digest the fact that our feelings are so much a part of what it is to be human. Some hide their feelings for fear of appearing weak or heaven forbid not accepted by those we choose to impress.  But if the truth were known, most everyone is fighting some kind of a battle and hiding behind a veil.

Today I am going to pose a question to you that will take either a great deal of thought, or none at all.  Here goes!  What means the world to you?

You can keep this to yourself, share with trusted friends of family, but answer it truthfully. To me the answer comes with the reality that if we know, really know, what means the world to us, we are blessed with a most precious gift. A gift that shows that we can allow ourselves to be human and seen. And it is at this point we allow ourselves to be loved for all the right reasons. 
My life hasn't been a fairy tale. Most of it repercussions of horrific things I endured as a little girl. Suffice it to say I grew up to realize, to accept, and to move forward on wobbly legs to a place where I finally have found what the world means to me ~~ a lifetime of helping others.  It has been a path  out of darkness, while being present for those hurt, injured, or lost.

I am now in control of my life and life will no longer control me. I will take the pain and experiences of my life and continue to use them to the best of my ability to love someone else back into existence that might be lost in the wilderness of PTSD.

We all struggle to do small things, great and grand things by ourselves, but we come to that place in the road where we suddenly...or..finally realize that we can't do it by ourselves.

Somedays I struggle and fall, and want to relinquish the reigns to someone, anyone else. But when all is said and done, something happens that makes me realize the value and importance of my actions in helping others.  And this friends is what the world means to me .   

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE WAITING

                                           WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE WAITING

Too frequently we al have that time between what was and what is coming.  This is where most of us are today.

It's a quiet day. A steel gray sky is framed by the drapes in my office window. Movement seems to have ceased in the world outside.  There are no cars driving by, nor sirens from the nearby fire station. It is a place between a frigid two days and the return of sun.  Here in South Texas waiting is not often accompanied by great patience.  But I find this a peaceful quiet time that others might consider lonely, gloomy and  nonproductive.

Today is mine. I do that which brings me peace.  Lord knows there isn't much of that lately.  With the dogs at my feet, I find solitude productive in an odd way, allowing me time to relax and attempt to let things happen as they should or as they will.  The future will all too soon plunge into the past.  

There is a fear and an elation inside of me, and I don't know which one will win.  

This is a time that seems like an eternity.  

For me waiting has never come with instructions.  I have cleaned closets long neglected.  My desk is immaculate.  I am trying to hold my head up and focus on positive baby steps. And for today, this day, solitude helps me find myself, as I try to remember how to breathe through the negative thoughts and pursue that which feeds my soul.  Dressing a chain saw carved wooden bear occupies my long ago passion for styling food, television sets, homes and myself.  Today, I find just as much joy in this bear rescued from a dirty shelf in an antique shop in Blanco, Texas. 

Miguel De Unamuno said, "Only in solitude do we find ourselves."   I think I am becoming a pro! Today I consider entering into a quiet place of peace.  Today one step closer to the answer.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE WAITING

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE WAITING

Too frequently, we all have that time between what was and what is coming.  This is where I am today. And in all honesty have been for some time.

It is a quiet day.  A steel gray sky is framed by the drapes in my office window.  Movement seems to have ceased in the world outside. There are no cars driving by, nor sirens from the nearby fire station.  It is a place between a frigid two days and the return of sun. Here is South Texas, waiting is not often accompanied by great patience. But I find this a peaceful quiet time that others might consider lonely, gloomy and nonproductive. 

Today is mine.  I do that which brings me peace.  Lord knows there hasn't been much of that lately.  With my dogs at my feet, I find solitude productive in a strange way, allowing me time to relax and attempt to let things happen as they should, or as they will. The future will all too soon plunge to the past.

This is not easy for me.  In fact it can be quite impossible.  Harold Pinter said, "In other words, apart from the known and the unknown, what else is there?"  But you see I am a doer and a fixer with a built in time clock that must be strictly adhered to. I wonder is this my enemy or my friend?

There is a fear and an elation inside of me, and I do not know which one will win.  For over thirteen years I have been writing the journey of my little blind dog, Gracie.  Her book has been somewhere in New York being read, waiting to be read, or lost in a pile of papers for 2 months, 8 weeks.  A time that has seemed like an eternity.

I find myself in quite a quandry, not knowing whether it is 'no news is good news', or they simply are not interested.  I know unequivocably that it is an amazing book,  about an amazing dog.  I say a prayer each night that her book is accepted. I was informed that it might take a month to get to it as there were other manuscripts to read before Gracie's book.  I am trying to get past  fear and an habitual  lack of patience.

For me, waiting has never come with instructions. I have cleaned closets long neglected.  My desk is immaculate.  An estate sale of past lifelong treasures will be held this weekend. I am ready for the future.  I am trying to hold my head up and let go of the past, some of which was phenomenal and often breathtaking. And other times  that carried lessons into who I wasn't.  

For me, today, this day, solitude helps me find myself, as I try to remember how to breathe through the negative thoughts and pursue that which feeds my soul.  Dressing a chain saw carved wooden  bear, I have named Pooh, occupies my long ago passion for 'styling', food, television sets, homes, and myself.  Today, I find just as much joy in this bear rescued from a dirty shelf in an antique shop in Blanco, Texas. Miguel De Unamuno said, "Only in solitude do we find ourselves.'   I think I am becoming a pro! Today I consider entering into a quiet place of peace. One step closer to the answer!