Too frequently, we all have that time between what was and what is coming. This is where I am today. And in all honesty have been for some time.
It is a quiet day. A steel gray sky is framed by the drapes in my office window. Movement seems to have ceased in the world outside. There are no cars driving by, nor sirens from the nearby fire station. It is a place between a frigid two days and the return of sun. Here is South Texas, waiting is not often accompanied by great patience. But I find this a peaceful quiet time that others might consider lonely, gloomy and nonproductive.
Today is mine. I do that which brings me peace. Lord knows there hasn't been much of that lately. With my dogs at my feet, I find solitude productive in a strange way, allowing me time to relax and attempt to let things happen as they should, or as they will. The future will all too soon plunge to the past.
This is not easy for me. In fact it can be quite impossible. Harold Pinter said, "In other words, apart from the known and the unknown, what else is there?" But you see I am a doer and a fixer with a built in time clock that must be strictly adhered to. I wonder is this my enemy or my friend?
There is a fear and an elation inside of me, and I do not know which one will win. For over thirteen years I have been writing the journey of my little blind dog, Gracie. Her book has been somewhere in New York being read, waiting to be read, or lost in a pile of papers for 2 months, 8 weeks. A time that has seemed like an eternity.
I find myself in quite a quandry, not knowing whether it is 'no news is good news', or they simply are not interested. I know unequivocably that it is an amazing book, about an amazing dog. I say a prayer each night that her book is accepted. I was informed that it might take a month to get to it as there were other manuscripts to read before Gracie's book. I am trying to get past fear and an habitual lack of patience.
For me, waiting has never come with instructions. I have cleaned closets long neglected. My desk is immaculate. An estate sale of past lifelong treasures will be held this weekend. I am ready for the future. I am trying to hold my head up and let go of the past, some of which was phenomenal and often breathtaking. And other times that carried lessons into who I wasn't.
For me, today, this day, solitude helps me find myself, as I try to remember how to breathe through the negative thoughts and pursue that which feeds my soul. Dressing a chain saw carved wooden bear, I have named Pooh, occupies my long ago passion for 'styling', food, television sets, homes, and myself. Today, I find just as much joy in this bear rescued from a dirty shelf in an antique shop in Blanco, Texas. Miguel De Unamuno said, "Only in solitude do we find ourselves.' I think I am becoming a pro! Today I consider entering into a quiet place of peace. One step closer to the answer!
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